Gerda Rises Up to Go On

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Gerda,

Circling back to my last posting, I didn't mention your communication skills w/your h. I was referring to people in general, for example, your in-laws, your lawyer and at times w/me. I post to you because I care about you. You read my postings and then respond to my postings referencing things that I did not mention. I don't know if it's because I have touched a nerve and you want to go in another direction by referencing things that I didn't mention or you want me to go into explanation mode, but I'm going to be more direct w/you from now on and hopefully you can then relax a bit and not "assume" something that I wasn't referencing. So here is my direct response to you for today:

I can understand why your MIL basically "abandoned" your children. Many of the in-laws do this when their child leaves a marriage, i.e., MLC marriage mostly. Blood is always thicker than water and no matter what we way or do, they will generally take the side of their adult child. Your MIL doesn't understand why things have gotten so out of hand in the marriage and for all you know, they are disappointed in their son and what has happened to your family.

I'm not making excuses for her, but there are two sides to every coin and I sense that this woman misses seeing her grandkids and would dearly love to see them. I do not know how old she is, but her health may not be the best or maybe she wants to confirm to herself that they are okay. After all, she may have been hearing rubbish from her son for quite some time and wants to see the children for herself.

I would send a missive to her and here is something you may want to think about writing: "MIL, son's name, has told me that you had a nice chat w/him and suggested that he and his sister come to visit you in Florida. That is a wonderful idea, however, in the future, I ask that you please discuss trip suggestions w/me first before mentioning anything to my son or his sister, as I am the one that would need to decide when a trip may be possible. I also ask that you not discuss w/him or his sister what is taking place between your son and myself, as they are children and should not be involved in adult matters. If I can manage a trip for them this year, I will let you know our travel arrangements far enough in advance so that you can prepare for their visit. Happy Holidays!"

Keep your missive on point, i.e., the visit and gently advise her that she needs to work through you.

Gerda, I sense that instead of speaking up and pointing out her behavior to her at the time she was being critical of you, may have given her the impression that you are a mouse and she can walk all over you. In other words, she is a bully in sheep's clothing. Maybe the way to get her respect is to start speaking up and telling her want from her. You don't need to come up with excuses or explanations, just state the facts, i.e., like a business deal and let the dust fall wherever it needs to fall. She needs to see the Gerda that we see here on this Forum, the woman who can write, gives good advice and shows compassion to others. Stating what you want from her in the future may not do anything to change the dynamics, but unless you try something different, you will always be a mouse who avoids contact w/others and she will continue doing what she does best...being manipulative and attempting to go around you at every turn. .

Gerda, you can do this. She has opened the door for communication, now it is time to show her the new and improved Gerda.