The daily test of emotional fortitude

[unchien]

Time for a little red pill. Uni they won't own it and never will because they are women.

IHC - So much of what you say resonates with me. However, I hesitate to generalize this to gender roles.

My mother was extremely controlling, and probably has BPD or some sort of similar PD.
My XGF before my W was controlling.
My W... the story is laid out on my thread.

Does this mean all women are controlling and will ultimately emotionally abandon me? What does it say about me? Do I somehow influence these outcomes to happen? Am I (gasp) somehow attracted to this sort of woman, due to emotional neglect from my childhood?

It is a mind-screw for sure. It feels like I am a statistic. It happens to some people. Bad luck? Or bad choices?

They will vilify, justify, and make you the enemy in their minds, etc until the cows come home. Its because they have no accountability or agency, and are subjected to their feelings that they can't even figure out. They just know that something feels off in the R. Whether it be due to them changing, you changing, life stresses, perceived social value and worth, self esteem, whatever, take you're pick as to why things failed, there are so many moving parts and facets, they just know they want to feel a certain way.

Completely agree with the above. I don't think my W is looking for a new man to replace me, I think she decided she would be happier without me. New man will come along one day, and I will spin and spiral and all that, but I don't think that was the motivator.

They vilify you with their emotions to justify what they are doing to you. Taking away the kids, crying emotional abuse, splitting assets, being difficult and dramatic. You re kids are being used as pawns to finance her new lifestyle she desires. She's bored. She also wants to save her reputation amongst her peers and family that she is the victim, you are the bad guy, its all you're fault. And she comes out smelling like roses in the divorce. Why do you think she is pushing you so far to end it? And to tell you the truth? If they ever do choose to change their minds? If they can do it once. They can do it again. It would take a very serious amount of remorse, conditions, trust rebuilding, communication, and respect to EVEN CONSIDER TAKING THEM BACK. LH is right about pursuit, placating, and even strength does not get them back.

Agreed. I don't particularly care what her family and friends think. It is harsh, but eh... I didn't marry them, I married my W. Good people, and I can understand how they may get caught up taking sides. My W reminded me a month ago that her family thinks very highly of me and she "hadn't told them much." All I could think was "OK". It's out of my control, and also doesn't affect me.

I don't think much about R because it would require my W seeing me as a person of high value. That's just not going to happen right now, or probably ever. The more distance I have, the more time apart, the more I am moving on with life. Maybe one day she comes back wanting to work on things, willing to accept her role and responsibility. I have zero faith that will ever happen.

You re lifestyle has to benefit hers and compliment hers or she's out and onto the next adventure, person, etc. She's looking for validation for her existence and current state of emotions. Ever wonder why women move on so fast and the guys are blindsided? Care to test that theory? What external and internal lifestyle changes did any of our XW's make after BD? What are the real reasons why? WHY IS SHE NOT HAPPY? What does it have to do with you? Why do I keep reading about these cases of divorce and these same exact circumstances, scripts and words occuring around the 38 to 40 yr old mark with women? Or just around the 8 to 10 year mark within a M? (10 year alimony mark in some states.) That's not to say the guy didn't bring his share of problems to the M. I know I definately did.

I do think emotional reasoning plays a huge role. I also think everyone is an emotional reasoner. I tend to think I am a "logical thinker" but research has shown that usually emotions drive the decision-making and then our brains go to work coming up with logic and reasons to support that line of thinking.

As far as her happiness, I do hope she finds it. Maybe this will ultimately make her happy.

Strangely, being S'd for 5 months now, I can say I am happier in a lot of ways. So maybe she is too.

The irony of all relationships is you are slowly isolated as you make your SO, their friends and their family you're everything and you don't even realize its happening. If you do keep your own independent social network in a R or M and in their perception you spend too much time with them, and not enough with her or her family. You can't win. Danes if you do dambed if you don't. Its solipsistic. And they are never happy. Either way they will use it as an excuse to leave and discard. Its a double standard. I noticed now in hindsight how many times I had my family over or did something with my family, I wouldnt be shamed for it, but resentment would crop up every now and again. I realized that every time I would invite my family over I would have to take it to the yard because someone wanted their DT. TV time. But her friends and her family. Didn't matter if I just came home from work. I would have to and want to entertain.
We thought these people had our backs for life, only to find out we didnt really know them at all, or they changed, or we changed. I find it amazing that so many years ago, im sure they held us in such high regard. "He does this this and that for me." "He makes me feel this this and that." He is my lover, my best friend, he is perfect." Its the old adage of. "I love you, you're perfect, now change, or I will replace you." Then turns into. " IANILWYA, I need space.." What they are really saying is "Im bored, Im tired. I want a new experience, a new life"

This is how my MR played out. It also didn't help that my mother has issues and so we ended up estranged from my parents.

If I had addressed my NGS, I would have made sure to carve out a stronger role in the MR. I would have kept in touch with my friends and family more, and made sure to have my own life, rather than working full-time then rushing home to give my W a break from the kids every single day. It's partly my fault, partly hers.

If I end up dating again and starting new relationships, I will not let the same script play out. Am I ready for that today? Absolutely not (haha). I know as soon as something turns serious, I will be tested.

As far as becoming the person they want you to be. Screw that $hit! I think it's good to work on your tactfulness, people skills, and interactions as a skill set. But if you are going to change for someone else, there better be a dann good reason for it that is beneficial to all. Otherwise change for you. Nobody needs resentment or idealism of a person that is not. Changing for other people rarely sticks because of individuality and free will, People are who they are. If they want to they will change IF THEY want it bad enough. Habits are different from personality characteristics. Don't become the person they want you to be. That's a chameleon, not authentic and not genuine, you lose your identity that way. Just ask my XW... Lol..As far as meeting their unreasonable and never ending expectations. You can't satisfy her. She changes her shoes, her nails, her clothes, her music, and sometimes her mates and her friends by the season. We are on different timetables growth wise, peak, and decline. Its what benefits her. Ask Eve. Paradise of Eden wasn't enough... Lol..So what do they do? They vilify you to justify what they are doing to you. So they can okay the victim with their peers and come our smelling like roses. THEY WILL GIVE YOU SO MUCH $HIT THAT YOU WILL WANT TO DIVORCE THEM. Don't be mad at it, its just nature. Just recognize it for what it is in this day and age. In their minds, you weren't the right one, and they expect you to believe that too. Or you married the wrong one. When the truth is THE MAJORITY OF THEM ARE LIKE THAT TO ONE DEGREE OR ANOTHER. Its the ones like KAS99 and Scout and a few others here that understand commitment over passion, and I hope they're situation works out for them.

I cringe reading this, but also... I do feel like my W decided to keep vilifying me until I begrudgingly accepted we had to D. I don't believe the majority of women are like this (or I certainly hope not!)

One of the dangers for me is that, while self-improvement and change are good, they can become elusive goals that are ever out of reach. They can distract you from enjoying your day to day life. I'm starting to realize that my anxiety about my flaws really disrupts my ability to enjoy day-to-day life sometimes, which is exactly the problem! Married, divorced, 30% custody, 50% custody, broke, rich... gotta be able to be happy no matter what life throws at you. That's my goal.