Thanks. I definitely agree re: violence, which is why I started IC immediately and has been a large focus of my IC, and very, very hard. I am committed to IC for a long time, regardless of outcome with H. We have addressed some of my individual work in MC, as well. There are a lot of lasting effects from being married to someone abusive for a while (my XH from first marriage).
Re: friendship - I was initially worried about that, too. I have been explicit about not wanting to give him false hope that if this ends in D that we would be friends. I am not interested in being friends with someone who would just run away when I need help, instead of being there for me. (Note - I do not add that part in when I tell him that). I've made this comment more than once, and he says he knows friendship may not be realistic in that scenario. So, if I drop the non-date dates, then what? Do I draw a line in the sand and say I am only interested in date-dates if he tries to hang out and see me? We live very far apart, so there isn't a ton of opportunity. Our relationship grew out of being friends and being listened to. When we had beers last, he did make an overtly sexual comment/gesture that is something that he would not have done with a friend.
