I see two primary fronts in this situation; and yes the word “fronts” is use on purpose - things are starting off like a battle and your goal and vision needs to look towards the entire war (i.e. finding a way to accept it and end it).
First and most important and immediate is the rebellious nature of S14. Teenagers do rebel against authority, which is usually their parents. It can also press towards school (skipping class), society (pushing the boundaries of proper expected behaviours, among other things), police, religion, etc... It can be maddeningly overwhelming for a parent, as a young person is finding themselves.
The direct authoritarian approach will not work effectively; it is the very thing they are rebelling against. So, the soft approach and knowing which battles to pick. The ability to let go that which you cannot change and the strengthen to affect and influence what you can - and the wisdom to know which is which.
Thankfully this is normal for a teenager. Yes, there is a spectrum and some are more trying than others. I would like to add the obvious comparison of our MLCer’s behaviour to the rebellious teenager; although their’s is cranked up to 11 or maybe 47 is your H’s case.
My first thoughts were akin to job’s suggestion. I think it is an good idea for the kids to visit their grandparents. And coupling that visit to their resultant attendance and effort in school would be beneficial on a few “fronts”. Grades, behaviour, respect (of self and towards you), and so on. This requires buy in from S14. Requires him to choose to want to do it.
This is not bribery, you are appealing to his intellect and values, helping him see reason and gain wisdom. Hopefully he will choose well. This takes time and consistent effort from both parties as new habits are formed.
He can rebel against you, however disrespectful behaviour should not be tolerated. Seeing which is which, and acting on it takes a serious command of one’s inner convictions and strength. Truly, love and compassion is not always easy.
This brings up MIL’s disrespectful attitude towards you. Boundaries my dear Gerda. Until now, ignoring her has worked. However, she has reached around and passed you, directly to you children, and disrespectfully. Maybe not intentionally, however that matters little.
MIL’s intentions may be honourable and good; she needs to discuss them with the custodial parent!!! She cannot make arrangements with a 10 and 14 year old, send plane tickets, and expect you to just shut it and stand aside. No way!
I am not privy to the wording of your’s and H’s custody arrangement. In mine it stated D15 and S17 were old enough to decide whom they wished to live with, and could change their decision, and who ever they were living with would have primary custody. A pretty fear inducing document when one is recovering from all that happen with BD. Discussions with my children, open honest discussions, ones that exposed “all” possibilities were had. That needs to happen. Children will, and are already thinking these scenarios - lose, ignore, push aside, whatever it takes - lose the fear and talk with them.
I let me children read the actual separation document. It affects them greatly as well as me. I think most times that document is stored away, and hidden - from them and therefore in effect from us. Them seeing it, holding it, reading the actual words has such power. The smell, the feel, the authenticity of an official document makes the situation real and pushes back denial. Kids also need to work through denial and see accurately. They are affected, ensure they have the tools to affect themselves and grow from this.
That earns respect, trust, and builds are strong relationship between you and child.
MIL requires discussions between the her and you as well. You need to clear up some of her attitude and set some boundaries. First is respecting you. If she won’t even talk to you, thinks that poorly you - well there is some work to be done there. Sorry about that, but it’s probably going to fall upon you to make the first few moves.
This is me assuming that she is someone of whom you want in your’s and your kids’ lives. Is she an alright person? When answering this look deep inside yourself and keep your hurt ego out of it - see her for who she is - her faults and her good. You’ve said she and you had years of visits and good times, her blow up and accusations of you and H being too liberal and such is her irrational side taking hold. Unfortunately, I am pretty sure she beliefs a lot of it. That will take effort and time for you to demonstrate it’s non authenticity and bring the falsehood she believes to light. And she needs to choose her path.
On a hopeful note, and you know me and positive hopeful possibilities, MIL did and is reaching out. Start with that. She has a desire to connect. Yeah it’s to the children, but it will have to be to you as well with you boundary based ideals on this. You will have golden opportunities to show her who you are and can be. I see hope here, not despair.
I started this with “fronts”. This best way to win the war is not to battle it head on. It’s not even to win them over to your side. There is no sides, no “fronts”, no hills need be died upon. It is all relationships, find respect and trust, and the win-win that exists. That is not a comprise by the way. Each person has wins they want, and there is a solution in where everyone can achieve their win. And it is amazing what a win actually looks like to someone else. What they are fighting for, is usually not what you think.
As usually I am happy to discuss this, or any topic, further. I would definitely start with S14 and D10, they are the important people. Talk openly and let them read that hidden document that has so disrupted their lives.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
