Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

DnJ, I will reply later-- just got back from a really good Thanksgiving trip to see cousins, my father, an old and very good friend. My kids got to be around my cousins kids, including a very cute baby, and it was just so good for them.

But one thing I would love to get some responses about from everyone here --

You may remember that I wrote to my MIL when H moved out, explaining that I couldn't live with someone who was divorcing me but always wanted to be in each other's lives and hoped we could come to see her soon as we always did. It was always me keeping her in our lives and funding trips -- esp after BD when she stopped coming because she said it was too upsetting. And she wrote back that it was both my and H's selfish choices that led to us screwing up our lives and that she wanted nothing to do with us, but that maybe one day if H healed his R with the kids, he could bring them to her -- and until then, she would pay for tickets for them to come to see her because both kids needed to get away from me and H. Added that H would always be their blood. Basically said that she never wanted to see me again. I have known her and loved her since I was 23, even though she can be difficult at times -- and also she became very political and turned against us a little from that as well, though I never bring anything up, it is a big deal in her life so she looks down on us as "liberals." She was with us constantly after S was born, then over the years off and on and slowly less as H started spiraling. I am 48 now, so that's 25 years she was throwing away and I think thought she could finally be alone with my kids without me.

Neither of my kids wanted to do that. Both wanted to see her, esp D10, but neither wanted to be away from me to do it. And D10 keeps telling me that H wants to take her to see MIL and I have been terrified about it. D10 told H she would go for a couple days but not for 5, she didn't want to be away from home that long, and H said it wasn't worth going in that case. D10 was as usual pretzeled by the whole thing. The in-laws are in FL and I was thinking of trying to take them to another city in FL on vacation; I thought that if I do end up there, I'd let MIL know she could come to see them and I might even offer that they could go to her house for a night or two but I also thought I should do nothing of the kind and not open up any cans of worms this early.

And obviously I do not want them around such hateful people though when she wrote that letter, I did write back to her that she was wrong about what had happened but that if she ever changed her mind, she was always welcome in our lives.

Never heard from her after that and she started sending her packages (she always sent the kids packages a few times a year) only to H's apartment. But after a while I think she realized she would never reach S14 that way, so she sent one to my house, and she included some gifts for me in it. I wrote to thank her and we had one exchange but nothing particularly warm from her and no more from her after that.

So today D10 asked to call her from my phone while we were traveling, of course she had to leave a message and text because MIL didn't pick up since it was my number-- and MIL called back. While they were talking, MIL asked to speak to S14, and shockingly he said yes and spoke to her for a few minutes. I don't think he spoke to her since May, when H moved out and she sent that letter. After he told me that MIL said she just wanted to see S and D because "Papa (meaning H) is driving me crazy." And I said "Oh really, wow!" in a hopeful way thinking that maybe I could take them to a place near her and let her know she could come and see them. And then S added that that MIL said she would pay for tickets for them to come to her. I wasn't thinking that clearly as a wave of hurt washed over me, and we were just walking in to a place to meet my father, so I burst out, "Well she can't just make visitation with you! I am the custodial parent! She is going to have to talk to me about it!" And S got a very hard expression in his eyes and said, Yes she can, you can't stop us from seeing her. And I said, "I want you to see her, but there is a visitation agreement, she can't just make her own rules and arrangements without talking to me." And then we met my father and I excused myself and went into the restaurant bathroom and cried my head off.

Later I told my father about it, and he thought I should not allow them to go because it seemed like such an unhealthy environment. And it is an unhealthy environment-- I was always there to deflect the various troubles one could encounter there -- including extreme racism and the alcoholism of my FIL, rifle in the corner to hide when we got there, etc. We do have lots of good times there but I definitely feel like I have to be there. And my kid do not like to be apart from me for more than a night or two -- right now S can't even be without me for a night without having a panic attack. But if she really offered them tickets and I said no, the kids would definitely see me as the bad guy. And I do want them to stay connected to grandparents, even if they are not the best people -- I just get really tied in knots about not being there to protect the kids from some of the craziness. And of course I am very hurt about it and picture the idea of putting them on a plane to send them into that household that caused so much trauma for H all those years. I think what I mean is that all families have their darknesses, and that I was okay with the kids being exposed to it but not with leaving them there without me. And all these years, H never wanted to see them without me either, he felt that he needed me there to not get crazy around that residual trauma. H was also helpful to have around my family for similar reasons, though not as intensely needed!

I am of course already worrying about something that may not come to pass. I kind of doubt that S would follow through on actually going there without me, but I want to be ready with what I really do when the time comes. So I would love to have a bunch of you chime in on this one!

XO from Gerda the day after Thanksgiving, very very thankful for all of you!