I hear ya on the "fix it for me" attitude Turbine. I really do. Sometimes I feel its all my life has been reduced to in recent times. No joy. No adventure. No newness, no companionship, no novelty. For the last 8 to 10 years I feel like my entire life has revolved around fixing broken things, always anticipating what needs to be serviced, cleaned, organized, etc, before it becomes even more of a headache, I get backed up, overwhelmed, inconcenienced, and made to appear incompetent as a result of it. Its an insecurity of mine probably since I was 20 that I bring into and attach to every previous relationship. I can't hide it, I can't suppress it and I can't cure it either. Im always afraid someone will eventually leave me because they all do as a result of it. Its what makes me OCD to be able to function, and to always do things right with particularity in everything I learn and do. But most people notice I take too long, get tunnel vision, get frustrated easily when I an inconvenienced, something doesn't go right sometimes, etc, and also sometimes only following through 90% of the way and then leaving it for 4-5 years. Like project ADD in a sense. Granted I learned some great skills either out if necessity, or our of pure interest that most people cannot do, that I become an expert on certain subjects and teach them, pass on the knowledge, etc. But sometimes I feel a utility. That my life is reduced to what service I can provide to others. That my life is nothing but chores and fixing broken stuff, either do to neglect, lack of maintenance, someone else's incompetence, or my own. Sometimes I feel like my life has to suffer because someone can't build or design a part right, count money right, prepare a meal right, or provide good service right. I get easily pi$$ed off if I buy a phone, and it stops charging after a year, or spill coffee in my lap while driving because some dip$hit can't drive. Or something breaks (Which is very frequent in my life) and makes me looks incompetent and like only these things happen to me all the time. With other people, It's almost like I have to step in and show them how to do their job with pride and quality while attempting to not be so condescending and critical even though I want to be if it is a big screw up. But I really do love teaching people something new and helping them if they want it. On the other hand, its what can make me very critical and cynical of others because I am critical of myself, because others were critical of me in the past. This is the part of me where my negative attitude comes out, negative self talk, criticalness, chronic complaining, etc cones out at times, and makes me feel like I can never win no matter what I do. I don't like it when people cost me my time, peace, efficiency, and well being because of disregard, inconsideration, or lack of competence. I am like this because of my upbringing. I love my family and their minds and hearts, but never cared for their lifestyles because as I got older I realized how not normal and dysfunctional they were/are, progressively got worse, and refused to change. They are extremely co-dependant with the exception of one. (Myself included.)This all comes down to lack of coping mechanisms, a father that was tough, emotionally abusive, but still loved all of us by his actions, but never his words. He did the best he could with what he knew because he grew up with dysfunction as well. A part of me misses him a lot since he is gone 7 years now, and sometimes I realize now what he sacrificed for his kids and what he accomplished even though he didn't always do things right, act right, etc. That part of him is a part of me that doesn't take any $hit, is critical, cocky confident, not tactful or soft on language. On the other hand my mothers side of me is more philosophical, empathetic, understanding, kind, patient, and affectionate.
But I do sometimes feel like I have to always suffer consequences either from not being prepared enough, not fulfilling others expectations, etc. Councelors have had to chronically remind me that. "I cannot win FOR TODAY" But I can for tomorrow. All of the stress, the work, the constant keeping tabs on things, fixing things, and everyone, the timing of everything is what drives my anxiety at times. It makes me temporarily feel like life is not worth living because it is that difficult to change how I perceive things. SOMETIMES. Past therapy has help a little with this and the frustration and the skewed thinking with this, and temperament tolerance, coping skills, and ADD cognitive behavioral rehabilitation but very little. I need to go back though. Its a lack of executive management skills mixed with mild ADD. I am this way because of who I am, and because of my upbringing. I feel that there is little joy, fun, adventure, exploration, experiences in new places with new people, maybe a little bit of FOMO at times due to this. It makes me feel like a slave to my thoughts and my responsibilites, and the stresses of life sometimes. So I am like. Is it really worth living and am I really living if I always have an imperative to to be a slave to respibsbilities of fixing things that are out of order or always break, never getting to enjoy life. It makes me want to give up sometimes. Its not that I want to die. But I want to live more with purpose, good executive management, good relationship skills, good confidence, and with joy. I just can never figure out how. Its like my life is my to do list. I get jealous of people sometimes. Especially ex GF's XW's etc when I see them making changes I asked them to make for me/for us, that directly affected me, the R, my boundaries and my time. But they had no problem making all these changes for themselves after they were done with me. Especially because I know those changes are not only for themselves, but either for another OM or future OM to attract. I know that I brought some dysfunction to things in all my R's and I want to take accountability for all of that. But behaviors, habits and petsonna run deep with me.
Sorry to blow up you re thread about myself. I just thought I could relate to you with this. I have days too where I call them GFYS days. Lol.. Where everything goes sideways, my attitude [censored], I want to give up temporarily and just have someone else do it for me, and I let my co workers know in a kidding fashion and they laugh at it, and eventually I get back up on the horse and take charge. I feel its healthy for a good GFYS, F everyone, F the world, and F my life, IDGAF every now and again. It purges the frustration and negativity for me, as long as I don't hurt anyone physically or emotionally and am considerate. But some people can't tolerate it/live with it/understand it, etc. and some can. I'm sure if I was someone else and I saw my self in certain states, I would run from me too. It's not right, its not wrong, it just is. Some people can get it and some can't. Can you relate?
