From the other side (#10)

[Rita]

SBJ, I never answered this post you wrote but thought about it a lot. Thought about you dating and how that fits in with faith.

I have no idea what God wants of me at this point but I know I don't want to start a life with someone or expose my kids to the whole life of stepfamilies. I feel that I was called to my faith, not that I chose it, and my beliefs about my marriage were a big part of the calling. I guess I am waiting for God to show me what is next, and a lot of time I am just trying to trust Him or asking Him to accept me as I am, even when I am losing faith and trust. But I do not want to be a nun, and if God is expecting a lifetime of chastity from me, I am not ready for that either. All I have come up with so far is that I will probably do some dark things that my kids never see but I will not bring anyone into their lives.

Sometimes I still think that God could heal my H, even though he seems too far gone, and even though I have a lot of trouble praying for him anymore, or wanting any of his hell to touch even my pinky toe.

SBJ, I often think of you. Sending you courage and strength, whatever comes next for you....