I guess my goal is to save the marriage, if only by being able to discuss my perspective of what was going on with me in terms of the lack of intimacy. I want her to at least acknowledge or reflect on that it's not as black and white as she's making out.
That's not going to happen is it .lol Deceiving myself there may be a chance of saving it if I could only talk to her. Pure pursuit and initiating a relationship talk.
Pretty sure she would not agree to attend anyway. But may help with seperation.
Emotional day. Feeling pretty low today, spoke to several people last night and was unusually very open about my sitch. Met a guy last night who was in a similar place.
Wife dropped the bomb, 2 kids, he moved out of family home, living in a small flat, wife is pregnant with om's child, and he's still madly in love with her.
We spoke for quite a while, he gave me a lot of advice about just waking up each day, living through this pain day by day, Trying to focus on yourself. I was pretty fragile last night, few tears. Shared numbers which was good.
Have to admit I feel stuck on her right now, regardless of trying to gal, reading and reading self help books on Ngs, emotional dependency, and everything I'm trying to force in on detachment and letting go the truth is I'm not there, everything is still very raw and every thought turns back to her.
Some level of acceptance that this is natural, this is where I am right now, things I hope will will get better in time. But she will be in my life forever because of the kids. I have quite a bit of fear that I won't move on, that I will always see her and want to reconcile I'm always going to wonder what if.
I think I've been stuck in some level of denial, its only 3 months in, and pain is still very real and she appears to have just happily moved on.
Tbh I've been distracting myself with fighting my corner, the constant messages and changing situation and my emotional reactions.
I’m sorry you are having a rough time but it’s to be expected 3 months in. Unfortunately I think you are going to have a real difficult time detaching with all the contact you have with your W. Have you considered selling the business or buying her out?
I wish I could give you a better answer but it really is a process taking it day by day.
I read a quote once that helped me “nobody ever died from divorce”.
Thanks L Its appreciated, knowing I'm not alone in this is so important.
It's been discussed in the early days of sitch regarding what we do with the business.
Tbh I'm afraid of losing the last bit of contact I have with her. I'm kinda holding on i know. At the same time we worked so hard to build it together from nothing and it's only just starting to pay dividends. I don't know.
So this is kinda tough. Bumped into a mutual friend tonight, said hi, she just looked at me like a piece of dirt. Boyfriend was friendly but clear the narrative of abuse is ramping up and doing the rounds. No idea how to navigate it. Can't challenge people on it, just keep living , hope she reflects and dials it down eventually, she's pretty stubborn not sure that will happen and feeling like this makes any future relationship impossible.
Bumped into a mutual friend tonight, said hi, she just looked at me like a piece of dirt. No idea how to navigate it.
Mutual friends often pick sides after a break-up even without abuse narratives. If her allegiance were more equal, she'd probably ask for your side of the story? If she were a close friend you could ask, "Is something wrong?", but otherwise all you can do is keep focusing on the people who want to talk to you.
"Both the kids have mentioned several times now that they would prefer to spend more time living at the house. S12 has said he would prefer to live here for a week then 2 days with you, then a week with me. D6 has said she would like the same. I've read loads of advice saying that holidays can be more flexible as there's no school. I'm happy to talk to you about Christmas so that they can have the benefit of equal time with both parents.
Im pretty angry.
Replied "I don't agree to any change to the parenting schedule until I've spoken to my solicitor and we have begun mediation. We had a 50/50 agreement in place and I expect that agreement to continue for the time being. I'm aware that it is unlikely that mediation will begin before Christmas and I'm open and flexible to discussing an equal solution for Christmas. I'd also like the opportunity to speak to kids asap.
I'm spiralling, why is she doing this, I've been spending the weekend thinking about how I could find a solution for Xmas that didn't hurt her. I just don't know how to navigate this.
You are sticking to your guns which is important. Especially when it comes to your children, do not placate your W hoping she will think of you in a different light. Your kids need you as much as they need your W.
Definitely speak to your attorney before agreeing to any change in parenting plan.
My W also asked for a change in our parenting schedule because S7 mentioned being tired when he spent weeknights at my place. She wanted me to do weekends only (but more of them) and I said no. I wanted involvement in their weekdays, school, etc.
I think what you are facing is very common. Your W has anxiety about the separation with the kids, she *may* be subtly influencing them to say they want more time with her (or may not), and the kids are also confused. If you can respect your W’s feelings behind this, while also standing up for what you think is best (having equal or fair time with the kids), things may sort out over time.
Validate her feelings and stand up for what you want and think is best.
Hi JDevast, since your reply re-stated the existing 50/50 agreements and set the terms for any change as speaking to your attorney and beginning mediation, well done. Not perfect, but that was most important.
