Brief overview of situation: W (me): 35 H: 27 Married 1 year, together 2 before that, so 3 total no kids
This first year of marriage has been stressful. I got a new job the month before we were married (09/18) that I knew would be high stress for a year (fun though), we got a new dog (11/18), and built a new house/moved into it (08/19).
I was previously married ages 26-29, D initiated by me because he was an abusive alcoholic. I gave him many chances to turn it around, went to counseling even when I was mostly done, but ultimately, nothing changed so I'd had enough. D filed 07/13. H has no previous marriage.
In the past year, I haven't been dealing with my stress well. Stress eating, becoming obsessed with cleaning new house (for an easy "win" at feeling accomplished/successful), being too tired and feeling bad about my weight gain to want to have sex. H has ADHD that is finally under control, and is generally a sensitive guy. He would say he felt I was condescending to him, and I wouldn't know how to fix this because it was a tone of voice thing that I couldn't hear, and I ultimately didn't feel superior to him so wasn't sure how to fix it. H is thoughtful, sweet, but sometimes would get frustrated because he would put a lot of pressure on trying to make me happy - I am a pretty independent spouse, and we have talked about how he doesn't need to pressure himself for that (especially if I wasn't unhappy to begin with).
H has been in IC since August 19. Originally said he was going for work reasons (stressed), and I believed him based on some of the convos we had. H struggles with ADHD & self esteem. Around 7/19 he finally found a medication that helps with his ADHD (after having tried several).
At the beginning of Sept, he took off a week because he was so stressed at work and didn't want to deal. A work situation that would have meant we would be apart for 9 months was possible at this time, and he asked to not go on it so he could stay with me and the new house and work on that (end of Sept 19).
Biggest arguments would be about chores - I am a neat freak, he isn't. Also, communication issues. He would forget to tell me details, leading to fights.
BD: 10/24 - have minor fight in the morning, escalates quickly. I am frustrated that he isn't listening to me (I had felt unappreciated about some stuff and let it stew overnight and shouldn't have), he is trying to de-escalate and leave for work. I run up to him and push him physically to get him to stop trying to leave. He says he thinks this means we are over, but isn't sure. We both go to work, no resolution.
He stays at his mom's house for the night, messages me the following day that he doesn't want to come back because he is unhappy and is now scared to talk to me about it because of my reaction. He says he has been unhappy for a long time, and that he needs to work on himself.
In the past, I have a few other physical things that have happened: I pushed him one other time, threw a makeup compact at him, threw a coaster at him, and in the middle of a mental breakdown I spit on him once. None of these incidents have occurred in the past year. When this has happened, he says no more or he will leave me, but we never have a deeper convo about it. I think that I handle it, but apparently had not.
From 10/24 - 11/9 he stays at his mom's. On 10/26 he comes to the house to discuss things in person. I take full responsibility for my parts: I have been needing to get IC, haven't wanted to own up to my personal stress and feelings and so was avoiding IC, taking out a lot of things on him. I start IC 10/28. We have 2 dogs: one is his before we were married, and one we got together. The new one is very emotionally attached to the old one. He takes the dogs, says he doesn't trust me to not keep them from him (never would or remotely threatened or intimated anything like this). On Halloween, I see him at our running group (where we met). We are civil, and agree that we do not want to talk about relationship stuff. At the end of the night, he has been drinking and decides he does want to talk and then proceeds to talk to me for an hour. I mostly listen and validate. I had been previously VERY bad at validating. This is where he tells me that he is 90% certain he does not want to get back together.
11/3/ish - first session of MC. He says he will go to MC but doesn't want to reconcile, only wants to go for closure and so we can grow as people. This session goes poorly. He tells me a list of why he doesn't want to work things out (nothing new, same stuff as above). I start crying, MC tells us we need to leave b/c there's no point in being there. H gets mad that she says this while I am upset. H and I stand outside and talk for an hour. I am not begging, just continuing to validate, support him, and own my parts. No blaming, or anything like that. He is upset, but listens.
11/7 H goes to mutual friend for drinks - has a good long talk with him, mutual friend talks to me a ton about it. (important later)
11/8 We see a different MC and it goes much better. We both felt heard, but he still maintains he thinks he is done. MC asks if he were 100% sure I would never push him again, would he want to get back together. H replies, many times, he cannot imagine that. We get dinner afterwards. H thinks we will be friends if we D - I say I don't think I could forgive him for leaving instead of trying to work on stuff/stay with me while I get the IC help I needed. MC asks if we would go on a date. I say yes, H gives run around answer.
11/9 - he moves 4 hours away for work. He takes some stuff from the house, and the dogs. I open up to him while he is at the house about some stuff from IC, and how I was struggling with it because it's painful, but helping. He listens actively, is supportive, but then seems kind of manic about getting what he needs from the house. I ask about the date and ask if he is just scared to tell me no - he said that isn't it. He says he isn't opposed to a date, but isn't ready.
11/22 - 2nd MC session with good guy. I had many things to talk about regarding identifying my behaviors that made him feel talked down to, disrespected, etc. I can tell he appreciates the thought that went into this. He reveals that he felt codependent on me, needs to feel he can make himself happy, and is dealing with some resentment related to the codependency/trying to make me happy. MC pushes H too much on reconciling, in my opinion, and I back up H and say that reconciling would take a while for me, too and be done in small steps. Afterwards, H says he feels it was good for both of us and that we are learning, but he means this in a closure type way. We decide to get beers afterwards (I had to ensure to say it wasn't a date). We go have beers for 3 hours, have a ton of fun. He says he wants to be able to get wild with me but has to drive early in the morning for work. For 2.5 of these hours, we do not discuss any M stuff at all. The last 30, he starts to. It goes mostly well. He says he is careful to not speak in absolutes because he is still 95% sure he does not want to reconcile, and that he is very careful because he doesn't want to give me false hope or lead me on. I say thank you, and that I don't want to give him false hope either because we are out having fun now, but if we do get a divorce, that would not continue. Says he isn't ready for any relationship, even with me. He makes a sex joke, I tell him I would and want to have sex, but he says he isn't comfortable with that. He tries to give me a hall pass to sleep with my friend. I am offended and say I do not want to do that. We have talked many times about remaining faithful during separation, and we both take it seriously. There is no OW. Night still ends well, I can tell he thinks I am cute b/c I am tipsy. Neither of us get upset or tense.
11/25 - I am upset because he is supposed to pick the dogs up from our house, but has had ZERO communication about this. I pack the dogs stuff up, and go to work. Come home to a note about how he has traded in his car (he had been talking about this for months) and had some papers for me to sign (I was on the old loan as a cosigner). I don't understand some of the papers, and am now dreading calling him since I felt it was obvious he was avoiding me. I call him, he is excited to talk to me, is at the dealership, says he will ask re papers and call me when he is on the interstate going back to his house 4 hours away. He calls me back, tells me all about the car, and randomly says that it has a different suspension than his old car, so I won't get carsick in this one like I did in the other. I let this slide, but think it's strange - when am I even gonna be in this car? I can tell he actually wants to talk more, but I get off the phone (nicely).
He had to work Thanksgiving, I came to my parents' house. I debate about texting him (we don't really text anymore), but decide I wanted to and said I was thankful for how strong and loving he is - had zero expectations and didn't think I'd get a reply. He eventually texts back Happy Thanksgiving! and that he hoped I had a good day. I reply and make a joke about how I didn't and how I should have just stayed home alone. He tells me a little more about his day. Briefly, regular friendly convo.
In the past week, he has definitely warmed up to me more, but not in a romantic/intimate way. He does pull back after our interactions - mutual friend said that was predictable based on their talk and him not wanting to 'lead me on.' Mutual friend does think it'll feel like 2 steps forward 1.5 steps back for a while, but also knows how H is wired (impulsive), and that H has isolated himself in a boring town with no friends, so thinks it may be faster than I believe. H has started to post things on social media that are 'look I am doing just fine' type things (food pics, etc) and mutual friend believes this is to convince himself, not others.
My bday is Sunday, and I was thinking he wouldn't text me, but now I do not know. Last year he arranged an amazing surprise party with all of my friends, so I have been dreading this years, but booked myself a fancy stay at a far away location for just me.
He still has a ton of things at the house. He is only supposed to be where he's at for a few months. He has signed a lease, bought some cheap furniture for up there. He says he will still go to MC since he will be in town every few weeks, and his IC is here also.
We don't argue when we see each other. I do not bring up any M stuff. We only talk if there are logistics involved.
I have been torn on NC b/c I have made it clear that I want to respect his wish for space, support his decisions, understand where he is coming from, but also that I want to work it out. Since we do not have kids, and he is so far away, I do want to wait for him to initiate contact, especially to hang out/non logistics type thing. I know he is bored. H is a total people pleasure by nature, and is now taking the time to work on himself, but has done a 180 on this and is now being super narcissistic. I do not think this phase will last (I think it's already wearing off a fair amount). H and I were emotionally very close, and I know he misses that. H did say in MC this last time that if he were to try to reconcile with me now, he knows he would be ultra critical of my every move, and that isn't fair to either of us.
I am GALing - seeing friends, running again, doing IC, handling the issues that affected our marriage so much. It still hurts, and I miss him, and I know it hasn't been very long. I told him he is welcome to stay in our house when he is in town for work instead of staying at his moms, but I do not know if he ever will. I've ordered the DR book, read many threads and resources here. Not sure how to proceed. H is supposed to deploy (friendly) in June for 9 months. I do not think he would file anything before then (more $ to be had), and our state requires 6 months separation before filing. When this first happened, he admitted he knows a lot can change in 6 months. What else should I be doing? It's so recent, and I do not want to give up, but this is painful. I've been through much worse with XH, though. I do not think H has ever had an actual issue in a relationship so just ran away.
