As it's approaching christmas, there are a lot of work related events going on. H has had the kids the last few nights, so I have taken advantage and gone out with friends. Nothing major, just drinks and then home by 9/10 pm. But it's been nice. There's laughter and friendly banter. But, maybe its the melancholy, but I feel separate from it all. An observer (even when I talking) rather than a participant. Perhaps I have gotten too much in the habit of being self reflective !!!
I have however sorted out NYE. I am going to a prohibition themed NYE party with some girlfriends. The tickets aren't sorted yet, but hopefully we will be able to sort it out. They too are on their own (i.e. they are, unlike so many of the women I meet my age, not actively trying to find partners) so it should be a fun night.
One of the men there pulled me up on still referring to my H as my H. He looked at me and said "but he isnt anymore, is he" (posed as a statement/accusation, and not a question). It made me think - why do I still sometimes refer to him as my H and not my ex. There was a moment a few weeks back when H went to say "my W will ..." and then stopped himself and said "FS will" which means he still has to consciously change the term. When I think about it, I actually changed "single" to on "their own" because I am still not ready to say I am single.
Weird, right? I guess when I notice I have started to use "single" and "ex" without thinking, then I will have let go.
