Scout's QLC journey

[OwnIt]

Scout, this is the part that stood out to me:

"I know there are marriages that end in mutual respect, kindness, sorrow, regret."

I have been telling my H, whom I call OD, that I want to end our marriage with kindness and respect. We are not there. But in the last year, I have behaved that way whenever I could. That is the only part I can control. For me, that means not taking the digs, not pointing out the flawed logic, not getting sucked into conversations that are going to go to a mean place. Unfortunately, I think in my case, it is making it harder for him to get through it. I think if I were uglier, it would be easier for him, but from a personal integrity standpoint, I am not willing to go there.

Own the part of it that you control and leave the rest be. I am very impressed by your attitude and your understanding that this is not the end of you. Your life will go on in a fabulous way with people who deserve to be in it.

[DS9]

Great to hear you've had a good day of GAL!

I love psychics! I've seen several over the years. I'm sorry the prospects were grim, but, not everything a psychic says is true. I was told several years ago I would be with a blond, Eastern European woman! I laughed, because I was happily married at the time!

I hope the psychic gave you a good future prospect. If you're into this type of stuff, do yourself a favour and get some spiritual healing/cleansing done as well.

Chicken rice sounds yum! I haven't had it in years - my ex GF's mum used to cook it, and I couldn't get enough. I think I'll prepare a cold barszcz for dinner (beetroot soup).

Anyway, good to hear a positive update. You and S enjoy the playdate.

Lastly, thanks for the thanks. It's such a supportive forum, isnt it. Btw, feel free at any time (when you're up to it of course) to chime in on my thread again. I really value women's perspective on things. Thanks

Cheers, DS

[scout12]

Own the part of it that you control and leave the rest be. I am very impressed by your attitude and your understanding that this is not the end of you. Your life will go on in a fabulous way with people who deserve to be in it.

Thanks OwnIt! I'm still catching up on other people's threads. Do you have any desire to reconcile with OD? It's been 6 months since BD for me and my psychic said I'm doing so well with my healing, it's more like 12 months along. I'm still learning to act on principle, not emotion. It is very hard, which is why NC is the best thing for me until I get a better handle on my reactions. You seem to be very, very skilled at this. I will learn from your steadfastness.

In many ways, this situation is a blessing for me and my son. He is too young to experience or understand the emotional turmoil caused by the breakdown of his family and his father's behaviour. I can guide him through age-appropriate explanations of what happened as he gets older and begins to ask questions. I hope he will judge the situation for what it is. But hopefully, this life will just become the norm for him.

As for me - I'm financially independent. I've just entered my 30s. I look better than I have in years. I'm taking care of my mental health. I have strengthened my connections with family and friends. I feel a deep satisfaction and contentment about my life. Of course, I am still dealing with the trauma of being abandoned and betrayed, and probably will for quite some time. But those pockets of overwhelming emotion are fleeting. Best of all - my conscience is clear and I have no regrets.

[scout12]

It's such a supportive forum, isnt it. Btw, feel free at any time (when you're up to it of course) to chime in on my thread again. I really value women's perspective on things. Thanks

I put a few thoughts in your thread. You sound like you're doing really well, keep it up.

Just now, I received the draft consent orders for review. My palms are a bit sweaty. It's overwhelming, even though there's nothing new or surprising in them. Seeing the words 'applicant' and 'respondent' - phew. Sobering stuff. I plan to go over the paperwork with my parents before signing off on anything. Then H will receive his copy, and we'll see what happens. Another step towards the finish line.

Kid changeover this morning - H turned up 5 minutes early for the first time ever! I guess my warning sunk in. Lol. I called out to S1 "who's here? Dada's here!" to get him excited, as I always try to hype up Dad's visits so he doesn't get upset when I leave. We ran to the front door and opened it. I said "good morning!" and it was returned sans exclamation point. H seemed grumpy. I didn't linger, just kissed S1 goodbye and told him I'd pick him up from daycare. Then I said "see ya later!" and received no response from H.

No dramas

[DS9]

Yeah I got those thoughts thanks a lot!

Good luck with the Orders. Make sure your L explains in detail, so you understand your rights, entitlements and obligations. I felt the same too about seeing us referred to as Applicant and Respondent.

Glad changeover was smooth. I'm sure H was a little taken aback at your breezy attitude. It's really good you maintain H in a positive light with his dad. Keep calling him "Dada", it's really importnat. I always refer to XW as 'mummy' with my S. My XW refers to me as "your father".

Yeah, no dramas, no worries!

Cheers, DS

[DnJ]

Hello scout

You are doing very well. Nice work with H and child changeover. Good attitude and wording - your mind is listening and you are “speaking” excellent.

I remember the first time seeing applicant and respondent, and XW and my names type out in bold print. Oh, the terror and emotions; it was just weeks after BD. Good for you asking your parents to review the proposed separation as well. Ensure you ask your L all your questions.

Feelings are fleeting. Glad you know this. Let them flit.

Find, alter, strengthen, and follow your beliefs.

DnJ

[scout12]

Co-parenting isn’t working with H. He withholds important information, doesn’t respect me as the custodial parent, and doesn’t put S1’s needs first.

Our verbal agreement is that he visits S1 at my home to maintain his consistency and routine. He comes over one morning and one afternoon a week. The afternoon is fine because he picks him up from daycare, takes him to the park, and drops him off in time for dinner. The morning has always been uncomfortable for me because he’s in my home after I leave for work. I put up with it because I didn’t want to send S1 out of the house at 6:30am when he’s just woken up.

Lately I’ve been coming home from work on these days and there are no dirty breakfast dishes. The agreement was that H gives him breakfast at home, gets him ready, and spends time with him before daycare. I’m concerned that H is not sticking to the agreement and might be taking S1 to his house. As I mentioned, he refuses to share his address and knows that he isn’t supposed to take S1 there until he does. He will have to give that information in the consent orders anyway, so there is no reason to conceal it. I don’t trust him to tell the truth if I ask. What can I do...

Potential convo:

Me: Hi H, just checking that you’re giving S1 his breakfast before you head out for the day. I noticed there weren’t any dishes out when I got home. I don’t feed him before I leave for work, so I want to make sure he’s got a full tummy before daycare.

H: blah blah blah

Me: OK, thanks for clarifying. I also want to double check that you aren’t taking S1 to your place without my knowledge. As I mentioned, we need to share our address with the other parent in case of emergency. This will be a legal requirement laid out in the consent orders. I would feel comfortable with S1 going there once you share your address and demonstrate his basic needs are met. Until then, you may visit at my place or take him to the park etc.

Does that sound alright? More/less strict?

Daycare teachers told me that S1 has been upset this week, crying and clinging when he is usually a sunny little fellow. I do worry that he is being affected by H’s erratic behaviour, but it could just be toddler stuff. H is not a good parent right now. He forgot to pack S1’s milk bottle so he had to go without one day. He failed to pass on a message from the teachers so S1 missed out on an activity. Things that he wouldn’t consider a big deal, but could cause confusion for a toddler.

I would like to suggest a change to the arrangement to replace the morning with a second afternoon. Now would be the time to do so when consent orders are being drawn up. But I’m scared of opening that dialogue. I think it’s best for S1 but it would be good for me as well. I could suggest H take him out for dinner and put him to bed to ensure he isn’t losing any time and is participating in S1’s home routine. He has asked a couple of times if he can do dinner and bed but it hasn’t happened.

This is hard, but I just want to make sure S1 is happy and safe.

[HaWho]

Well Scout, that is hard. In many ways you are fortunate because your s won’t remember all this. But in many ways, it is harder because your son is not yet verbal so you don’t know what is happening.

So, I had a live-in and he was not capable of caring for my then 11 and 9 year old sons. He hired babysitters to get “a break?!?!” I had zero help when he lived with me; he was a 3rd kid vs. a coparent. I was okay with it because I would rather do it all myself anyway as he was no sort of asset in this equation. (He now has 50% custody but often acts as a bestie more than a father. I think that is his guilt and wanting to be liked.). But he definitely is more responsible/involved than he was back in 2014. It took years.

My advice? Offer him an out and see what he says. I know it is optimal for two parents to be involved but sometimes both parents do not want to be involved. So, I would start there, but with no judgment.

Maybe start here (but only if you can be light and non judgmental) “Hey, is it me, or does this routine seem kind of hard?” Maybe this is too much right now with this early morning?” Then radio silence and see if he fights to see s1. If he is wishy washy, give him an out.

If he wants the nighttime routine with you there, I would take that in your home with you present. It is the safest option. If he wants an out, give it. If someone does not want to do it, it is best they don’t fake the funk. And this may be easier for you too, sadly.

You and s1 will be just fine. It just takes one parent. Look at Peace and Ginger and DNJ and Irish (who used to post here).

[DS9]

Morning Scout!

If the Orders/PP are about to be sent to the H, then maybe you could work some changes to the PP to address the issues and proposals you're raising in your latest post, and then explain these issues in the covering letter from the L.

That way, it alleviates you of having to broach them direct with the H. Don't torture yourself having to worry about raising these things direct with the H.

Please, please get some detailed advice about the prospects of you securing sole parental responsibility. Putting it forward now may be the 'offer him an out' Hawho suggests.

Get the daycare to inform you direct by email so as to avoid not being passed on from H or Chinese whispers.

Instead of your place for contact, could your parents or paternal grandparents place be an option, notwithstanding this will be a change in routine?

If it were me, I'd not only want an address, but also who else resides there and suitability of the residence to your son (ie amenities, condition etc). What if H is couch surfing or living with random tenants or new found xbox buddies and then decides to move? Be cautious in agreeing to upon address being provided S can stay there automatically. I'd also be proposing that when S is in H's care, H doesnt delegate care to anyone except family etc.

With breakfast (playing devil's advocate here) H could be bringing something in tupperware and taking it back, or actually cleaning up after himself. Do you honestly think H is that dilatory that he wouldnt feed his baby son breakfast? If so (actually based on what you've said I wouldnt be surprised), just make up a little breakfast pack H can just feed him with.

Overall, you're right in saying now's the time to propose and incorporate these changes, before the documents go out to H.

Cheers, Ds

[DnJ]

Hello scout

I think it is a good idea for you address this concern with H. Most people in crisis it seems become terrible parents, and the responsibility of a child is a lot of added pressure.

I like the idea of offering an out, as HaWho suggested. Start with a soft approach, and if H seems ok, offer an out.

I also like DS9’s suggestions. Have the daycare contact you with concerns, and provide a meal for H to feed S1.

These are all in the realm of your control, in that you are not trying to get H to do something. Trying to get H to do something because he said he would, or you want him to, or he is suppose to - doesn’t work. They have minds like Swiss cheese, and an attention span of about the same.

Your proposed conversation with H has a reasoned approach, and covers off a far bit of this concern - and he most likely will balk at it. It’s just too much for him. Conversations need to be short and non judgemental.

Like HaWho suggested is a good example. Short, and then let him figure that out. Then if he proposes something acceptable, well that is his idea, and you would go along with it.

Until then, you can control having a meal for S1 prepared. If the meal is still sitting where you left it, and there are no dirty dishes, you could ask a more pointed question. And maybe have better luck in changing the schedule.

As for where H takes S1 when the little guy is in his care. With only verbal agreement between you two, there isn’t much you can force, actually I think I mean enforce. With a legal agreement it can be enforced. While a gentleman’s agreement is a tenuous thing.

Again the soft approach will often have better results in gaining their buy in to a proposal.

- - - -

With all that being said. That would be my advice for a situation with an MLCer. However, your H is 29 years old, perhaps a QLCer.

Yesterday, H was 5 minutes early. Perhaps due to your warning. Now a one time event does not a behaviour make. See if he continues this better behaviour and commend him for it when he does.

I do like the gentle approach - like attracting a squirrel. But, H did respond (maybe) to your more direct approach as well.

I would try the soft approach and go from there; becoming more or less direct as the conversation progresses. You know your situation best and the goal you are seeking. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

DnJ