Co-parenting isn’t working with H. He withholds important information, doesn’t respect me as the custodial parent, and doesn’t put S1’s needs first.
Our verbal agreement is that he visits S1 at my home to maintain his consistency and routine. He comes over one morning and one afternoon a week. The afternoon is fine because he picks him up from daycare, takes him to the park, and drops him off in time for dinner. The morning has always been uncomfortable for me because he’s in my home after I leave for work. I put up with it because I didn’t want to send S1 out of the house at 6:30am when he’s just woken up.
Lately I’ve been coming home from work on these days and there are no dirty breakfast dishes. The agreement was that H gives him breakfast at home, gets him ready, and spends time with him before daycare. I’m concerned that H is not sticking to the agreement and might be taking S1 to his house. As I mentioned, he refuses to share his address and knows that he isn’t supposed to take S1 there until he does. He will have to give that information in the consent orders anyway, so there is no reason to conceal it. I don’t trust him to tell the truth if I ask. What can I do...
Potential convo:
Me: Hi H, just checking that you’re giving S1 his breakfast before you head out for the day. I noticed there weren’t any dishes out when I got home. I don’t feed him before I leave for work, so I want to make sure he’s got a full tummy before daycare.
H: blah blah blah
Me: OK, thanks for clarifying. I also want to double check that you aren’t taking S1 to your place without my knowledge. As I mentioned, we need to share our address with the other parent in case of emergency. This will be a legal requirement laid out in the consent orders. I would feel comfortable with S1 going there once you share your address and demonstrate his basic needs are met. Until then, you may visit at my place or take him to the park etc.
Does that sound alright? More/less strict?
Daycare teachers told me that S1 has been upset this week, crying and clinging when he is usually a sunny little fellow. I do worry that he is being affected by H’s erratic behaviour, but it could just be toddler stuff. H is not a good parent right now. He forgot to pack S1’s milk bottle so he had to go without one day. He failed to pass on a message from the teachers so S1 missed out on an activity. Things that he wouldn’t consider a big deal, but could cause confusion for a toddler.
I would like to suggest a change to the arrangement to replace the morning with a second afternoon. Now would be the time to do so when consent orders are being drawn up. But I’m scared of opening that dialogue. I think it’s best for S1 but it would be good for me as well. I could suggest H take him out for dinner and put him to bed to ensure he isn’t losing any time and is participating in S1’s home routine. He has asked a couple of times if he can do dinner and bed but it hasn’t happened.
This is hard, but I just want to make sure S1 is happy and safe.
