Not willing to quit

[Turbine]

Thanks IHCLAS for the summary and encouragement. I read somewhere that the person thinking about suicide really wants the pain to end. I'm sure most of us here can understand that portion of it. Yes, the thoughts are there. So is the futility of it. The how to explain to those left behind why. That she wouldn't care or even if she did then it really would be too late. What I do know is I hurt inside. I hurt her. I want to fix that... with her.

The idea of not her in the future... no, I don't want that. I might have to accept it though. I don't like that either.

My Mom died before my Dad. Cancer. We all thought she would outlive my Dad with his heart issues and my sister with her long list of health issues. Well it didn't go that way. Dad lasted 23 months after Mom died. He gave up. He had started talking about dating though. I miss both of them.

So now my sister is here still and still being a major pain with her unreasonable life expectations. Overweight, diabetic and uses a power chair to get around outside her home; she wants to get a Sprinter van and convert it to go on the road. Mobility issues for normal everyday life and doing that... I can't see it going well.

Steve85, I need to have access to the house to clean it. She changed the locks and her schedule is not shared with me. I want to work on the whole thing. House, stuff, me, us, etc. Her reason is odd considering the previous court orders. Her fighting to not have the OP dropped. Claims of being bullied by my L.

My IC though the VA wasn't a good fit. Do I need help? Yeah, probably. Would having a honest chance or a R with her help? Considering that has been the life raft I climbed in out in the middle of this sea of pain... yeah, I can't swim very well in real life either. I have been much better with regular church attendance. Praying. Reading my Bible and inspirational books. Gym time really helps too.

I've been catching up on NCIS and just finished Ep. 16-24. I was talking to someone who thought the series has gotten stale. Been on a long time and I can see that. But Gibbs seeing his deceased second wife and talking to her as part of the plot line. They talk about the hurt and locking people out as part of the revelation. The fear of letting them back in. Seems pretty good to me still.

I'm liking the new job. They like me. Still a contract position though but going permanent seems pretty good. Long hours too. 10 hour days M-F and half day on Saturday. W complained that I couldn't hold a job. My resume is honestly multiple pages. I know she has been working really hard... I really am very proud of her. She is so stubborn and determined. I miss that. I don't want to quit trying. I want to hold her and be a family. The story of King David and King Solomon are in the one book I am reading. How God Makes Men.