Divorce and Acceptance Part 4

[Pax_luv]

Happy thanksgiving DB land!

Just doing some reflective journaling since I can’t sleep. My neighbors smoke detector is now chirping and they aren’t home. Why???????? It’s that tone that makes my heart skip a beat every time it chirps. Ughh these walls are way too thin.

Anyway, thanksgiving is a weird holiday for me. It was ex’s favorite so I always made a big deal for him. With his dietary restrictions, I always made a special meal just for him. It was the only time of year he seemed to genuinely like his family, even if it only lasted 30 mins. We often went back to his home town for thanksgiving, and I never felt comfortable there because he would talk so much crap about them. It was exhausting!!!!! I won’t get into the dynamic but it was no vacation that’s for sure.

We never really had a last thanksgiving before we split. We visited his family the month prior so we chose not to fly out and stayed local instead. I’ve shared this story before, but The night before thanksgiving my car had a really bad flat tire at work and I was stuck there for a couple hours. Ex couldn’t help me out because he was with his actor friends and quite frankly couldn’t give a crap about me being stranded in a parking garage late at night. Eventually, I got some help from a tow truck driver who helped me get the spare on. (Shame on me for never learning.)

Anyway I got home late- was pretty tired and went to bed. A couple hours later I had severe food poisoning. I remember vomiting My Brains out and laying on the bathroom floor and shivering so much I wrapped myself in a bath towel. I didn’t let my ex know for a couple reasons. I needed to handle it, I didn’t trust him, I knew I wouldn’t get any empathy.

Anyway, long story short, we didn’t have a thanksgiving because I was so sick. Looking back, that was a really hard time because I didn’t know what exactly was happening. I hadn’t officially gotten bd yet, but the writing was on the wall. I just remember pretzeling myself and pretzeling myself and pretzeling myself to keep the peace at home because he was so unhappy. It was a really hard time. I actually am getting emotional right now thinking about how hard that time was. Total mindf**.<

The following thanksgiving, this very board was my refuge. We had separated a few months prior and I didn’t have a handle on anything yet. I was still a mess but I popped in here often throughout the day and was able to keep it together. I remember being with my family feeling like such an outsider trying to have the brave face when I was dying inside. I would sneak away to read the boards and check in on a few of my friends here. This place was such a god send and I’m so grateful for this community. Strangers supporting strangers.... it’s a beautiful thing.


Anyway, here we are 4 years out from that first solo turkey day and I’m doing much better. I may be wrapping this divorce up in exactly 2 weeks and I can’t even believe it. Part of me is nervous that I haven’t done all my homework and I’m leaving a lot on the table (I think I am) and the other part of me has zero energy to even look at another legal document. I just want it to be over.

I think when it does officially end, I’ll have a little bit of a breakdown- not in a bad way. I know I’ve carried an obscene amount of stress and anxiety in my body over this situation and there will be a (very good) let down when it’s finally over.