You are right, I am a little down at the moment. Work is hectic, the possibility of being unemployed in Dec has been looming over my head (I found out I have been extended until March, phew), I am not sleeping well, and I am now spending NYE on my own. The NYE alone is really hitting me.
Ah, detachment, that old nugget. I've just googled palpable: A feeling or atmosphere so intense as to seem almost tangible . I talk a good talk, but I falter, like everyone else. My H accused me of not having any emotions (when D13 was going through something and he wanted to talk about it) and I said to him "Just because I don't show them, doesn't mean I don't have them. I sit in my room and cry. Same as you". He didn't respond but it did shut the conversation down.
I could go into why I didn't want to discuss D13 (because he was right, we should have spoken about it). But, tbh I feel guilt about being a working mom, for her father and I separating, for starting to rebuild my life, for all sorts of things. I caused her sadness and I can't talk to him about it because if I open those gates, then I will break down.
Taken in the context of what happened those early breakdown days, I now get why he had to shut me out.
Anyway, I am not detached. I hurt. I just hide it better.
The girls are brilliant. D13 is still stroppy and moody but I think it is now normal teenager stuff as opposed to anything triggered by the S. She is still in IC because she still has anxiety issues and needs to work through but overall she is fine. D10 is doing great (she always has been) and the only signs of trauma is that she is more cuddly now.
