Thanks IW. I do make sure to take little mini-breaks every day as needed - a few deep breaths, go for a walk. There was a period where I was dedicating 10 minutes per day to seated meditation. I think meditation works great provided my anxiety is not running up at an 8 or 9 level.
The lead-up to Thanksgiving (and Christmas to follow), plus mediation coming up, had me really stirred up. I have this full week off work and I think the time off is helping me get back to equilibrium.
One insight about my anxiety in particular has struck me the last couple days. I spend ALOT of time thinking about things that are not actually in the present. I've been consciously trying to bring myself back to the present moment, focusing on just that moment and the "next thing." Now that I have been paying more attention to my mind wandering, I realize how often I have been spending worrying about mediation, my future, the kids, Christmas, family, work, where I'm going to live, friends, vacations, retirement, the list goes on and on. Even though sometimes those thoughts don't feel particularly stressful, they are completely distracting me from living my life.
I also think it's easy for my phone to become an escape. Stressed out? Check IG for a few minutes... It's okay in small doses, but if I'm going to overcome some of these patterns I need to make a conscious effort to change.
So during this break I'm trying to keep reminding myself to come back to the moment and focus on the next thing. The real test will be going back to work and getting back into daily routines, whether I slip back into "auto-pilot" mode.
I was talking to a friend about surfing the other night. I am terrible at surfing, but for some reason it gives me an endorphin rush and makes me feel balanced out. He suggested it was that surfing forces me into the present moment. The cold water, the sound of the waves, being out in nature, seeing the wildlife. I think he's right. It's a lesson in how to just enjoy the present moment.
On the situation front, not much to report. W will be joining us at a mutual friends' party for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. We've done a few things like this since the separation, and they've always gone just fine, so I'm not concerned. When my W dropped off the kids yesterday she looked really tired and worn down. She continues to seem pleasant when we do interact on text, but she hasn't responded yet on her availability for mediation appointments. I find myself annoyed at her lack of communication -- for instance she often does not follow through on basic things about the parenting schedule. She hasn't responded yet about her availability for mediation appointments. I can understand she is dragging her feet, but after this weekend if I've heard no response I think I should press.
It's hard to find the right balance. I have some anger and resentment about what has happened (in addition to grief), yet I also have compassion for my W and what she is feeling and going through. Sometimes I feel like I have found that perfect balance point, teetering on a knife edge... fall over on one side and I'm angry and butthurt and wanting to press to close this D as fast as possible... fall over on the other side and I'm ignoring my own needs and my own happiness.
And finally... Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am incredibly thankful for that night in early May when I was desperately searching for ways to fix my MR, and I saw the term "walk away wife syndrome" and somehow got directed to DB and this forum. I am a better, happier, healthier man because of this place -- thank you all for sharing your stories and your advice and for, of course, your validation =)
