Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

Refusing and missing 8 days of school in the last three weeks does point to something bothering him.

You might have forgotten this but D14 missed 75 days of school in 7th grade, maybe 40 in 8th and now in 9th has missed maybe 15 so far this year. So getting slightly better I guess. But back to being a daily h3ll for me every morning, trying to get him out the door takes hours. He is in his second special school because of his school refusal issues.

he really almost never did things to show me I was really special to him -- stupid things like special gifts for my b-day or bigger things like working extra to help dig us out of debt or so that I could buy myself a good winter coat while trying to be a full-time mom and run our business, etc.

He is a troubled man.

For some reason, this was the most comforting thing you have said to me in a while. Inside our own little worlds, it's amazing how validating it is to know that you see that, even though you and everyone here has made that clear many times over. I am doing that book on healing from cluster-B disorder abuse and am realizing how deeply confused I get -- not intellectually, but in my visceral response to everything. I am finally trying to do these healing exercises, all this time whenever you, DnJ, or anyone else here talks about healing, I have no idea how to do that other than via prayer. This book has some very practical visualizations, etc., and I am going start doing those this week.

Can someone go that crazy to desire to not just leave but actually destroy his family this viciously and that not be the "real" him?

I believe in possibilities. So yes.

A person could be so desperate that destruction of their life and family seems like the way out. Desperate people do desperate things.

Your H is doing it viciously, my XW did is expeditiously.

Your H is like my XW; this is the “real” him - at this moment. He behaves opposite of what once he did. He may find his way back, he may not.

So much to think about here. The hopefulness of yes -- I don't even know if I have that anymore. Lately I see myself as walking alone as I always did. I have been a loner since I was about 14, had lots of friends but loved to be alone, and I am realizing I don't have to be afraid of that. I can return to that force I had before. I am finding myself again the last week or two, via the healing and some work on my artistic stuff and realizing that there were many things about H that were precursors to this. I am remembering what a force I was before now -- maybe before H -- and looking back at so many memories where H was unhappy and I was trying to change our lives or work more or start a new venture or put something on layaway that he really wanted to make him happy again. I know I really loved him and I know I felt he loved me too. Right now it's hard to remember any of that part.

I do still believe that God can heal any of us of anything. I just don't know if H will ever be able to hear God to open himself to that healing especially because he thinks he is deeply in touch with God now and has many justifications for his shameful behavior towards me and the kids.

The mind is not easily fixed. The very thing that defines one’s reality is skewed and it takes time, fate, karma, and luck to put enough stimulus in their way to penetrate that foggy cloud of fantasy and slowly realize when and where they are. Not all have the fortune to met these in a timely fashion, nor choose to face them.

I don't believe in fate, karma or luck here, I must say. There is just free will and the will of God. I recognize now more than ever my powerlessness to do much of anything. It's helping me to put it all in God's hands. Even if God doesn't do it, like what Shadrach and Abednego say outside the furnace. The other day I realized that I oftentimes believe that there is a mistake and I have been left to rot in h3ll, but that via faith I have to know that I am not in h3ll. What I would be without God -- bitter, vengeful, angry, blame-fixated. So in a certain way, I am already tasting heaven even though I feel all the time like I am in h3ll and can't escape. My H believes he has finally reached heaven on earth; he can't even look around to see what has happened, that he is in fact living out H3ll on earth.