Sandi, you are correct that she never recovered from her waywardness. But I do believe she tried in some way. By initiating physical affection with me when I know she did not necessarily have the feelings of wanting to...doing things like writing me the nice letter for my birthday or buying me thoughtful gifts. I guess I want to say that I don't have a doubt that she tried to do SOMETHING. I didn't feel like I was enduring a bad situation or that her behavior toward me remained the same. She did not show me blatant displays of disrespect. If anything, I just wished to feel closer and for her to recover "faster". Maybe she didn't put in the necessary work, have enough remorse, to really get rid of the wayward heart. I understand this. I am not trying to argue that everything was fixed by any means or that she was a completely different person. Just that I saw some effort. But it became clear as soon as the opportunity arose that the problem was still very much there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there was a time when I was hopeful and things really were improved and going in the right direction. I felt effort on her part and I felt that maybe we could get to true piecing and find that long term satisfaction. I believe she wanted that too, and tried, but did not know the right ways to get it. And then she was too weak to not just give up when OM2 came along and she slid back down the mountain to full on waywardness. I know she does feel a ton of guilt and shame. But she is starved for some supposed happiness that she has never been able to obtain with me. But I would literally go to the ends of the earth for her. So I just don't get it and find it very tragic.
Yes, it is insane about a woman meeting the dogs. My W says all kinds of insane things! That she knows damn well are insane and she just says them anyway. Sometimes she even can't get through the convo without laughing at herself because she is being so ridiculous. What is this game??
I burned myself out on GAL. I am an introvert and can get drained from social interactions, especially with new people I am not yet comfortable with. So I had to take a little break. But it was good timing because I have been slammed with schoolwork before the holiday break and am thankfully able to breathe now after completing a monster amount of work. Now, I feel recharged and will hang out with a few friends this week. I decided not to go home to family (out of state) for Thanksgiving after much debate. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted, and the cost and travel was just too much for a short time. I will go for Christmas. W is picking "her" two dogs up and taking them to her parents tomorrow, until Sunday. So it will be me and my dog for the holiday. I might cook with a friend.
To be honest, I have had a horrible week. I felt really great about my GAL and detachment and then in the past week, I have felt worse and worse each day. I have dreams about W every night. They are all over the place, causing emotional whiplash and feeling horrible when I wake up. The initial period of enjoying my freedom and coming and going as I please etc has worn off and now I just miss her terribly. The feeling is almost unbearable.
W came by the house once this week to get some more things. She continually changed until she could come at a time that I was there. I do not know why, but it was clear that she wanted me to be home when she came. She wanted a hug like last time when she left. She has been friendly and jumps at the chance to contact me about something. I never ever contact her. I don't think I've initiated any contact with her since BD, actually. But I also know she calls OM for about an hour most days (could be more, phone records are limited these days). Basically, I think she has the same feelings for me that she always has, but she is wayward and the A/OM is worth more to her. She can't resist it. But it [censored] when I KNOW she still cares about me too. But I am NOT Plan B. I deserve way more than that.
