Running out of time ... one month left! (part 2)

[rooskers]

it broke my hear that she wrote earlier this year that she thought her mom hated her. I don't know why, but they all felt like that at one point or another, and I didn't realize it until now.

I have found that my D13 had a completely different experience with her mother her whole life when I wasn't around. I have been shocked what my daughter has revealed to me. My XW had checked out on the family a long time ago and not only was I blind to what she was doing to me but I was blind to what she was doing to D13. In the beginning it was easy to get so caught up in my own pain and feelings of betrayal that I was blind to how much my XW had hurt D13.

It is possible your D13 feels her mom completely pulling away and so her response could be much like many of us have in our early stages which is to panic, beg, and plead for the relationship in her own way. She is scared of losing her mom and since she sees and feels her mom pulling away, her anger will probably be directed at you because it can't be directed at the one she is afraid of losing. Fight her anger with your love, counter W unpredictability with dependability. I strongly urge you to find a therapist (preferably a female) to help guide her through this.

One way I was able to communicate with my daughter was by keeping a shared journal. It is a way for her to express her feelings of anger and hurt toward her mother. I can then validate and consider my responses before writing them in the shared journal. It is amazing how much more she communicates with me as opposed to having a sit down talk.

You might feel like you should bring all of this up with your W. I wouldn't recommend this because it will be seen as controlling and as if you are trying to accuse her of being a bad mom. She will then likely respond with anger and accuse you of trying to manipulate the children against her. Let your W do what she is going to do because you cannot fix her or fix her relationship with the children. If she leaves or doesn't want to spend time with them it is her problem not yours. All you can do is be the parent who is always there for the children. My daughter has this memorized "Always and Forever No Matter What!"

I'm really getting sick of her weekend away, just looks bad to me and I don't even know what to tell the kids.

If you are talking about telling the children you are separating then there are plenty of books to help or you can schedule an appointment with a therapist to help guide you through it. If the question is how to talk about your W's actions don't say anything. The children have noticed and I guarantee they are hurting deeply from it. The only thing your children need from you is unconditional love, support, and to know you will always be there for them. Spending as much quality time with them as you can will be the action that proves it. Playing soccer with your daughter was perfect.

Finally, take some time to relax because your children will notice. It will help them to understand that no matter what their mom is doing or not doing, their dad is a lighthouse to guide them through stormy weather.