I typed this response in your last thread, when I tried to submit it it didn't go through because the thread had been locked. Ovr and Jim just echoed some of the same sentiments, but at the risk of being redundant here it is:
Originally Posted by bballer1
I simply said I would give her 2 weeks to find somewhere to live. Then I would move back into the house
But BB, this is still a completely ineffective boundary. You move back in 2 weeks... and there she is. Then what? Then you look impotent. It could be even worse than that, she could change the locks. Then you try to force yourself back in and she calls the police and explains that you voluntarily moved out and now you're trying to force yourself back in. I've seen it happen before! Look, she has zero respect for you. No woman who respects her husband would engage in an affair, much less parade it around in his face all the time. You can huff and puff and make demands and whatever but she will do NOTHING you ask. Why? Because you asked, and she is a wayward. She is like a rebellious teen, you tell her to do something then she will not do it even if it's what she WANTS, because her desire to rebel against you outweighs her desire to do what is right or even what she wants. What you are doing is akin to negotiating with a terrorist. You're following rules of decorum and respect that mean absolutely nothing to her. So what do you do? Well you have to make a hard choice. The way I see it there are really only two options:
1. You stay at home and accept status quo. This isn't a good option because you'll likely never get her respect back. She will continue to be wayward until she figures out a way to ride into the sunset with OM. Or things with OM will blow up and she'll pursue OM2, 3, 4, etc.
2. You tell her to leave or you will file for D yourself, and if she doesn't leave, then you file for D and force her out of the house (it sounds like you can afford to stay in it and she can't, so legally this shouldn't be tough to do). As painful as this sounds, this is an enforceable boundary and this will command respect.
Option 2 is quite clearly not the DB'ing approach Michele describes in her books. But option 2 gets you out of this mess, gets you some respect back, helps your W to learn to miss you and teaches your sons that sometimes being a man means standing up for yourself and not letting others treat you like a doormat, not even your own wife.
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We would be separating to get space and see what living apart would be like. Now that you say it like that I probably need to tell her only a week.
She is going to love being away from you at first, especially if she gets to stay in the family home. They always enjoy their new "single" life for a while. So if you're thinking separation will "teach her a lesson" then you're wrong.
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I'm sorry guys but I can't continue to live with this lie. Its been 5 months and everyday I see her it makes it just as hard to move on or let go. I think I need separation to heal or I may lose my sanity, harm the OM (seriously), or worse lose my job from lack of focus and being on top of things.
And then...
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I guess I am going to just wait this thing out and hope for the best.
You're flipping around a lot. Take some time to decide what you want, and to figure out a game plan on how to get there. Keep in mind that staying put means continuing to live in this exact same situation indefinitely with little or no change.
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She gets emotional thinking about it but she is lost and not the same woman I first married. She stated last night that she was a bad person and didn't deserve anyone. I guess that was the guilt talking because she knows she is messaging him all day while at school.
Yes they do feel guilt over their actions but they still feel their actions are justified. They feel like a lack of love in the marriage "forced" them to do the things they do. It's not true of course, but that's how they justify what they're doing.
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She clearly stated today that she doesn’t want to stop talking to him.
Quit asking, quit discussing it with her, quit being her BFF. Even if you're going to live under the same roof this has got to stop. Please don't fall under the illusion that you can "Fireproof" her back, you can't. She's too far gone for that. Time and space is your only option at this point. You can't "nice" her back, you can't "mean" her back, you can't negotiate her back, and unfortunately you can't "pray" her back because she has the free will to do what she wants, even if it's evil. So even if you choose option 1 you've got to fully detach from her and treat her like a toxic roommate that you don't want to have anything to do with but are forced to cohabitate with for now.
