Living in Limbo

[hoosjim]

bballer, my thoughts on your sitch, in DB-ing terms, is that you are clearly in "Last Resort Technique" territory, if not, "Beyond the Last Resort Technique." (Go back and review these parts of the DB books if you havent already)

Your W is still clearly wayward... very wayward. She is still in contact with OM, still "cake-eating", and still keeping you on the hook as "plan b". You need to go completely "dark" with her and completely "drop the rope" while at the same time putting some real effort into your own self-improvement and GAL... becoming AMOAFWL. Forget her for the time being... she is still embroiled in her affair and with her head in the clouds. You may not be able to legally force her out of the house, but you can sure as hell put her belongings out of the MBR, put a lock on that door, and, for the most part, act as if she doesn't exist except for strictly and minimally-necessary communications concerning child-rearing (and possibly finances, if it legitimately involves joint finances--- which you should be actively minimizing and closing out anyway as long as she is maintaining affair with OM and not moving towards work/reconcilliation on your MR).

You can also stop being her sounding board and shoulder to cry on. She got herself into this mess, and it is wildly disrespectful of you to try to discuss her relationship with OM and how hard things are on her because of that etc etc. You need to shut that crap down pronto (calmly, and confidently, but pronto) when she brings it up.

If she is intent on remaining in the house despite your cold shoulder (and you dont need to be and in fact shouldn't be openly hostile, here, even as you should be calmly stoic-- as if you dont care-- towards her) then that is her problem, but she should be on her own and you shouldn't' be doing anything to make her feel comfortable in the marital home or make her stay there easier. Maybe she sticks around and starts to feel the sting of loss, particularly if you GAL and self-improve like mad... but it is really hard to pull off a productive "in-house" separation. Much better off if she leaves, and, at some point, you really might have to put the house on the market if you decide you've had enough... but abandoning it to her and retreating is probably not a great idea.

overnbww:

I see it as a major positive that your W doesn't want to divorce as well as y'alls religious background and small town life. Now, it's time for her to see your back walking away from her and wonder if that is really what she wants. Your kids are old enough, I think you should not be home when she is. Don't put yourself in a position to have a convo with her about anything. I mean really, what do you NEED to talk to her about? Get out of the house in the evening too, let her wonder what you're up to. Be a man of action and quit being so wordy and needy with her. Quit rehashing all the BS she has put you through. Let her see this happen and her tune may change. Or maybe she realizes she wants a divorce after all. I don't think you can keep going the way you have been. Time for a change my friend!

This is all great advice from Overnbw. You can still remain "in" and "in control of" the house, while creating distance/separation. Get out... without letting her know where you are going. Do fun things, without telling her. Let her see you come back with a smile on your face, whistling to yourself... and if she asks where you've been, be vague, noncommital: "I was out". I agree with overnbww that there are faint, promising signs, there, somewhat similar to some of the dynamics that were at play in my own sitch, but you are not yet, nor even anywhere close, to where i was when things turned with my W. You need to create separation from her. You need to GAL for yourself... to make yourself feel better and get yourself in a better place. Try new things, meet new people, reconnect with friends... and get out away from the house, even go to the library if you have to (but don't tell her what you're doing), but for yourself and your own piece of mind. Do things to improve your appearance (we all have room to improve here). There needs to be some space created, so both of you can get right in your own heads, and also, ultimately, so she can feel the sting of loss (if she is in fact to feel it), which sting will only be all the more intense if you have truly (and not just to impress her) been doing a bang-up job of GAL and 180-ing and becoming the absolute best bballer you can be.