Today was not H's usual morning with S1, but he had asked to swap and I agreed. As always, I was getting S1 excited about Dad's visit while I got ready for work. Arrival time passes and we're sitting waiting. Five minutes pass, then ten, then fifteen. I have to leave or I'll miss my train to work. I guess that H has forgotten about the switched day so I tell S1 we're going to daycare instead. I'm buckling him in his car seat when H pulls into the driveway.
He knows that I have to catch a certain train to get to work on time. He is 5-10 minutes late EVERY single morning and I have not said anything for months. This morning, he walked right past me into the house while I was unloading poor confused S1 and his school bag from the car. No hello, no sorry, nothing.
I said "Next time you are one minute late, I'm taking S1 to daycare. You cause problems like this and then call me a b*tch for reacting to them. It's so disrespectful."
Silence, sulky look on his face, ignores me while he tries to force S1 into a hug.
"Not going to say anything?"
Petulantly, he muttered he was sorry.
I said it was ridiculous and like dealing with a child. S1 was squirming and trying to get away from H. I told S1 I loved him and said goodbye.
Unfortunately, I was not very calm during this short exchange. I didn't scream or shout, but I was emphatic and probably visibly angry. Why do I feel like I've failed every time I react emotionally? Nine times out of ten, I hold my tongue and stay calm and kind and he takes advantage of it. The one time I react, it reinforces the narrative that I'm a mean, controlling b*tch.
Should I have just duct taped my mouth and said nothing?
