Shame and devastation 3

[Traveler]

I like Ready2Change's re-wording. Much clearer.

This may be a bit controversial, but I'd be hesitant to offer her the kids 1-6pm on Christmas Eve. If she decided to break the deal and keep them, it'd wreck his holiday. I don't like to put myself into vulnerable positions when dealing with aggressive people. I'd be more willing to offer her earlier access e.g., she gets them from 10am Xmas and returns them at 2pm the next day.

PS - Kids are usually not opposed to waking early than usual on Christmas.

[Jdevast]

Thanks for the input
I'm planning on sending this either this evening or tomorrow

I'm second guessing the timing, as I know she will be going out with friends tonight, there is a big night at an after hours club locally , she will definitely be going and it will be hedonistic ,

So I'm mindful of sending before she goes out , receiving advice from her new friends and then GALavanting (happy drugs included and opportunities for hook ups with other men.

Or to wait until things are quieter tomorrow.

Can't control the outcome either way but do feel the timing has some importance.

[Jdevast]

So it's 8.30 pm, think it's best to wait until tmrw

[Jdevast]

Struggling this morning,

Some anxiety around sending email response to her proposals for Xmas, definite fear of conflict and of pushing her further away. Afraid of being accused of being controlling and balancing this with the knowledge she has no respect or love towards me any more.

Spent long hours inside my head last night replaying the past, every missed opportunity that may have made her feel more loved in the relationship.

This is mixed in with despair and compare thoughts, knowing she had a big night out, fantasizing about how much fun she would have had, how she's so naturally social, always laughing when out and of course the self destructive fantasies that she is flirting and hooking up with other men.

Getting this out here rather than sitting in my head.

[Jdevast]

Sent the Xmas response

Immediate response via whatsapp
Her: if that's what the kids want then fine, New year's fine and 15/16th not needed now.

2nd message 2 mins later:
Her: I don't think it's fair I only see them for a few hours on Christmas eve though.

She's seeing them 5 hours 1pm til 6pm.

[Thornton]

Hey J,

Sorry to hear about all the despair you’ve been dealing with lately. I don’t have any specific advice regarding the parenting plan etc but one thing I want to mention is that I can feel your desperation when I read your posts. When I was in the thick of my previous BD’s, my predominate emotion was fear and despair. I was so codependent on my W that when she left, I didn’t even know who I was as an individual. I felt like I needed her like I need air.

I’m curious if you can relate to some of things I just described. Because for me, once I started truly understanding what I was feeling/fearing and how that was driving my fear and abandonment issues, that’s when I started to realize I was going to be ok with or without W.

[Jdevast]

I fully relate

Even at times when I was resentful or angry she was my air and the centre of my life, my thoughts, my emotions
I am very prone to fear based thinking and emotional dependency.

Those fears of rejection and abandonment have ironically caused rejection and abandonment.

I'm working on it, but early days and seemingly a long journey.

This stance on Christmas feels like a first step to some assertiveness, whether that translates to any respect who knows.

I know she will be hurtling about this, and Christmas eve and morning will hit her hard, I want to reach out but know I cannot.

Most likely response will be directing anger towards me, either to her friends or directly towards me.
Fully expect this to be translated as further evidence of what a controlling monster I am.

But that's out of my hands

[Ready2Change]

...
Her: if that's what the kids want then fine, New year's fine and 15/16th not needed now.

....
Her: I don't think it's fair I only see them for a few hours on Christmas eve though.

She has exact same communication style as my X.


Do not respond to these.

If there is a pattern in her message, you can address that it in the future:
IE:" It is not what the kids what, it is what WE believe is best for the kids." OR "what we have agreed is best for the kids" Something like that

[Ready2Change]

Some anxiety around sending email response to her proposals for Xmas, definite fear of conflict and of pushing her further away. Afraid of being accused of being controlling and balancing this with the knowledge she has no respect or love towards me any more.

Did any of this happen?? Reflect back on all the unneeded fear.

[Jdevast]

Nothing's come back yet, still expecting it to come at some point.

Maybe that's the fear, feel that I'm driving a wedge between us or confirming her hate towards me.

At the same time, being nice and placating didn't appear to be having any effect.

The silence is pretty bad tho, and going to have to interact in some way at d6's parents assembly.