Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

I am glad D10 (and you) appreciated the letter. Your retelling of her riveted reading of it bought a smile to my face. As well as her ownership of it.

”DnJ said I should go to bed at 9, so I am going to do that."

Lol.

I am very pleased she heard that she is not at fault.

S14’s defiance (sorry I called him S15, thought he was) is unfortunate. He is a little young for that adolescent rebellion, although it is starting I’m sure. Refusing and missing 8 days of school in the last three weeks does point to something bothering him.

Keep working towards the middle ground between the two of you, he will share. You are right with the roughhousing; a connection between the two of you. Also a physical expression of his unknown or known aggression. Perhaps a punching bag would be helpful for him as well. Moves the focus of physical release from you to the bag. You still are active, holding the bag for him, so still in his world and process. Could try a gym for a couple of times to see how he takes to it. Just a thought.

...despite what you said, DnJ, about not doubting my past, I am looking pretty hard at some things from my past with H that I can't deny were a red flag.

I think we all overlooked red flags when we were young and unaware.

I am just encouraging you to ensure you don’t rewrite your past history to fit this new crazy present. Not to make one’s history worse or better; to be accurate. I think you’re doing fine by the way.

When I reflect back to before XW, or when we started out, that’s 30 plus years ago! I was a different person from who I am now, and in some respects I’m not. Matured like a fine wine. Oooo, yes - that’s what I’m going with.

It's like there are two versions of me, and I pretend to be the attractive one but secretly know I am not. I have been thinking about my relationship with H all these years, and how it came to be that I felt this bad about myself long before BD.

”secretly know I am not”
”felt this bad about myself”

Long term thoughts and feelings become beliefs, become a force inside of us. Unwanted beliefs, undesirable beliefs, take effort and time to alter.

“secretly know believe I am not”
”felt believe this bad about myself”

Seeing accurately is a needed step in changing one’s outlook.

Gerda, you are attractive. That is not some petty vain complement - I don’t even know what you look like. You are an attractive person, mother, soul. Now you know, from my point of view. Now, you work on making it a belief. (((Gerda)))

But partly because I realized that there might be something about me that you will not understand and it seemed daunting to explain it.

Is this tied into any of this? That question is more for you. Although I am curious as to what is so daunting.

he really almost never did things to show me I was really special to him -- stupid things like special gifts for my b-day or bigger things like working extra to help dig us out of debt or so that I could buy myself a good winter coat while trying to be a full-time mom and run our business, etc.

He is a troubled man. I am sure his love languages were not spoken much, not verbose, and not articulated well. A pretty common affliction unfortunately.

What do think his primary love language was?

Maybe I brought out the best part of H, or he was trying so hard to be his best self all those years, and he just couldn't do it. Or maybe it really is MLC. I know it doesn't matter on many levels what the truth is, and that letting him go can't include these kinds of musings.

We all need a certain level of understanding before we can let go. It’s ok to partake in musing, just don’t get lost there.

Perhaps you did bring out the best in him. He was putting his best foot forward. And then MLC took him.

Can someone go that crazy to desire to not just leave but actually destroy his family this viciously and that not be the "real" him?

I believe in possibilities. So yes.

A person could be so desperate that destruction of their life and family seems like the way out. Desperate people do desperate things.

Your H is doing it viciously, my XW did is expeditiously.

Your H is like my XW; this is the “real” him - at this moment. He behaves opposite of what once he did. He may find his way back, he may not.

The mind is not easily fixed. The very thing that defines one’s reality is skewed and it takes time, fate, karma, and luck to put enough stimulus in their way to penetrate that foggy cloud of fantasy and slowly realize when and where they are. Not all have the fortune to met these in a timely fashion, nor choose to face them.

In fact you will be proud of me for one thing-- I decided that I wasn't going to just cower in fear and trembling while H runs the sale of my house the next six months, so I am having an open house every other week and invited folks to come sit by the fire and share food and kids can watch movies, play games and roast marshmallow. For city kids, the latter is especially exciting. Did one so far, just one mom and her kids came but it was so nice not to be lonely.

I am proud of you for many things, and for you being you.

And an open house is awesome! Well done! Take that fear. No cowering and trembling around here. Yeah! Food, fire, roasting marshmallows, games, etc...

I’m glad you cleared up what you meant. At first I did think you were talking about the open house for selling the place.

An open house. What a good idea.

DnJ