Do I sound bitter? I don't feel that way. For years I accepted him for who he was, perhaps to my own detriment. It's kind of freeing to realise I do still accept him, it just doesn't have to affect me any more.
I relate to this. I wouldn’t take my ex back for a million bucks, but when his actions are hurtful to our adult children, I do try to point out how it stems from his essential unhappiness - and remind them that they are not responsible for his happiness.
As for your H getting counseling and meditating - I wouldn’t pin much hope on that. Actually sounds to me more like QLC - getting buff, selfish “self improvement”, etc. I’d be surprised if the counseling is about why he is blowing up his marriage and family; it’s probably more about how he can achieve his dream life.
I fought hard against the end of my marriage, but a few months after he finally left, I realized how nice it was not to be walking on eggshells all the time. I think that’s what You’re experiencing now too.
I’d be surprised if the counseling is about why he is blowing up his marriage and family; it’s probably more about how he can achieve his dream life.
Funny you say that, kml. He did phone counselling in the first six weeks after BD. He said the marriage wasn’t discussed at all. They only talked about how he could make himself happier.
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I fought hard against the end of my marriage, but a few months after he finally left, I realized how nice it was not to be walking on eggshells all the time. I think that’s what You’re experiencing now too.
I had cancer a year after BD1. I had all these bags hanging off me that had to be drained and he did it the first day but then I looked at his phone and saw he had been texting OW while I was on the operating table under the screen name,"My Secret Other Wife." I told him he couldn't help me with anything if he was doing that and he told me it had been over with her but he was so scared when I was in surgery that he wrote to her because she was his only friend. He agreed it wasn't right and said he would end it again.
Gerda, that is awful! Awful, awful. I’m so sorry you had to experience that on top of cancer treatment. its good to hear you are clear now. I sometimes think if got into a car accident or something that required hospital, would H care? Would he show up or call?
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I don't think H ever even made me a cup of tea, and I was back to cooking for the kids two days after my mastectomy, back at work at the biz we shared after two weeks and he had done nothing there while I was gone.
Wow. What happened to sharing the load? Not even a cup of tea?! I remember sitting in the rocking chair, crying, holding my sleeping baby a few days after giving birth. Just sitting and feeling the hormone crash, trying to process the birth trauma, dazed from lack of sleep, in pain from the stitches. H came in with a chore list and said we could do half each. I just looked at him like what the actual f*ck, tears falling down my cheeks. He just didn’t get it.
Met my friend who works with H for breakfast this morning. She said the OW quit this week. Is this a good thing? It means she and H won't be around each other all day every day. It also means they don't have to sneak around at work any more. It might also mean their relationship is getting more serious and they are trying to legitimise it.
It was supposed to be H's day with S1 today. He emailed that he was unavailable. My friend said he isn't working today so I wonder what he's doing that's more important than his biweekly day with S1. It also takes away my one day a fortnight that I normally get to run errands on my own and just have a break from parenting.
Finally, she said that H has ditched the group of 18-21 year olds he had been spending all his time with. Apparently he has also given up the gokart racing hobby he devoted so much time to immediately after BD.
I know this is a bunch of information that could mean anything or nothing.
Poor little S1 is sick, so we are having a quiet day at home putting up the Christmas tree and listening to carols. Making memories wishing you all a lovely weekend.
Document document document. Keep track of every time he doesn’t take his visitation. It may come in handy in the future. (And if you want him to take it, simply tell him you have other plans and are bringing the boy to his house, but I suspect you would rather have more custody in the long run).
Enjoy your son, enjoy the present. Don’t let H’s issues rob you of joy today.
And whatever the reason for OW leaving her job, be glad, because now he’s less likely to lose his job and file for spousal support.
(And if you want him to take it, simply tell him you have other plans and are bringing the boy to his house, but I suspect you would rather have more custody in the long run)
He won’t tell me where he lives because he thinks I’m keeping tabs on him. I said if he won’t give me his address in case of emergency, then I’m not comfortable with S1 going there. He currently has visitation at my house, or takes S1 out for the day. Stubborn fool.
None of them will tell you where they live. Mine has moved three times. Each time I found out from some external source. It's the secrecy and keeping their lives "private." I told mine that he couldn't see my son while my number was blocked in case I needed to reach him. He unblocked me. Maintain your boundaries. Even in divorce he would be required to give you that address, so there is no reason for him not to give it now. Because your son is so young, make him do the visitation at your house if he won't give it. Say that in a writing and keep the writing as KML suggests. Then if he challenges you later, you can show the writing and say you were not comfortable with such a young child being taken to an unknown location.
The sooner you can detach from caring about what he and the OW are doing, the better for you, and the better DBer you will be. I'm a total hypocrite on that. Every newbie does the same thing. But the reality is you can't effect any change and all it will do is hurt you to keep tabs. A wonderful poster here used to quote "constant wondering is constant suffering." Choose not to wonder so that you don't have to suffer.
MLCer are secretive. Oh, I mean private - they hate being called secretive. Lol. Just like a teenager.
However, if he is taking S1, then you need to know where he is and how to contact him. Period. And just like a teenage - too bad if he doesn’t like it. That’s the boundary, the rules. He can choose to be a stubborn fool all he wants.
It is interesting that OW quit. Your reasoning might be correct or could be something else. Time will tell. However, I’ve been there, where you are, asking, pondering, so... - Yes, it’s a good thing.
It’s nice to hear that you’re putting up the tree. D17 and I have started to decorate the house. No tree yet, in another week or so they are available.
Sing to the carols and have a great Sunday.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Today was not H's usual morning with S1, but he had asked to swap and I agreed. As always, I was getting S1 excited about Dad's visit while I got ready for work. Arrival time passes and we're sitting waiting. Five minutes pass, then ten, then fifteen. I have to leave or I'll miss my train to work. I guess that H has forgotten about the switched day so I tell S1 we're going to daycare instead. I'm buckling him in his car seat when H pulls into the driveway.
He knows that I have to catch a certain train to get to work on time. He is 5-10 minutes late EVERY single morning and I have not said anything for months. This morning, he walked right past me into the house while I was unloading poor confused S1 and his school bag from the car. No hello, no sorry, nothing.
I said "Next time you are one minute late, I'm taking S1 to daycare. You cause problems like this and then call me a b*tch for reacting to them. It's so disrespectful."
Silence, sulky look on his face, ignores me while he tries to force S1 into a hug.
"Not going to say anything?"
Petulantly, he muttered he was sorry.
I said it was ridiculous and like dealing with a child. S1 was squirming and trying to get away from H. I told S1 I loved him and said goodbye.
Unfortunately, I was not very calm during this short exchange. I didn't scream or shout, but I was emphatic and probably visibly angry. Why do I feel like I've failed every time I react emotionally? Nine times out of ten, I hold my tongue and stay calm and kind and he takes advantage of it. The one time I react, it reinforces the narrative that I'm a mean, controlling b*tch.
Should I have just duct taped my mouth and said nothing?
wishing you all a lovely weekend.
