Some anxiety around sending email response to her proposals for Xmas, definite fear of conflict and of pushing her further away. Afraid of being accused of being controlling and balancing this with the knowledge she has no respect or love towards me any more.
Spent long hours inside my head last night replaying the past, every missed opportunity that may have made her feel more loved in the relationship.
This is mixed in with despair and compare thoughts, knowing she had a big night out, fantasizing about how much fun she would have had, how she's so naturally social, always laughing when out and of course the self destructive fantasies that she is flirting and hooking up with other men.
Getting this out here rather than sitting in my head.
