Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

Well, DnJ, I haven't had time to write a proper reply to you, as usual. But wanted to tell you quickly that D10, who does not actually like to read much, was riveted by your letter. She read it all in one sitting, with total focus and attention. Afterwards seemed to have some ownership of it, as if it was none of my business. Though she did say, "DnJ said I should go to bed at 9, so I am going to do that." The next day I prodded her again by pretending I hadn't read it and she told me you said to remember that nothing was her fault, and that things would get better and that you had "very very good advice." She asked if she could write back and I said yes but so far she hasn't done that. She is not so into writing and reading like her mom, which has been one of life's great humbling experiences, since reading and writing is pretty much my entire identity.

S14 was a different story. He has been very defiant lately and refusing to go to school, missed 8 days the last three weeks. So he saw the letter as something to defy and so far wouldn't read it. I am going to try again when he is less defiant. Interestingly whenever he wants to make up with me, he starts roughhousing. I guess I was right about that being a good idea!

I am in a weird period of intense reflection, partly from the book I am reading, "Whole Again," which I highly recommend but which is, like DB, sometimes slightly contradictory to my faith journey. But I have to say that, despite what you said, DnJ, about not doubting my past, I am looking pretty hard at some things from my past with H that I can't deny were a red flag. I do wonder sometimes if all this time he was covering up this monster as best as he could, or if this monster is not the real him as I have thought all along. An old friend was over the other day, looking at all my photo albums because we've known each other since I was 12, and he was looking at photos of me in my 20's when I was first with H and asked me if H was threatened by my looks and the sensuality I exuded. I was totally flabbergasted by this question. I thought he was joking. I was looking at the photos and I felt like I was looking at someone in a movie I saw, not myself. And then in the last few days remembered how I used to feel about myself in college and before I met H, and how for most of my marriage I felt ugly and undesirable, a little embarrassed even about myself. Now though I do still do my girly dressing up everyday and am very flirty out in the world, I can barely even look at the mirror without cringing and am always mystified when I get any attention, like these other people must need glasses. It's like there are two versions of me, and I pretend to be the attractive one but secretly know I am not. I have been thinking about my relationship with H all these years, and how it came to be that I felt this bad about myself long before BD. I have to admit to myself that this is true, and that he was always terrible with finances, I was always digging us out of trouble, and that he really almost never did things to show me I was really special to him -- stupid things like special gifts for my b-day or bigger things like working extra to help dig us out of debt or so that I could buy myself a good winter coat while trying to be a full-time mom and run our business, etc.

And maybe it was both. Maybe I brought out the best part of H, or he was trying so hard to be his best self all those years, and he just couldn't do it. Or maybe it really is MLC. I know it doesn't matter on many levels what the truth is, and that letting him go can't include these kinds of musings. But it impacts my vision of my stand. If this monster was in him all along, then the question is how much healing God can do for someone like that, or what God expects of me now.

Like I have said before -- everything before seemed forgivable, even though the worst things. The way he is conducting this divorce and torturing me, this seems different to me somehow. He is clearly delusional, and living on lies, but still, it seems different. Can someone go that crazy to desire to not just leave but actually destroy his family this viciously and that not be the "real" him?

This is a long conversation so I think we all need to gather at my house and talk it out.

In fact you will be proud of me for one thing-- I decided that I wasn't going to just cower in fear and trembling while H runs the sale of my house the next six months, so I am having an open house every other week and invited folks to come sit by the fire and share food and kids can watch movies, play games and roast marshmallow. For city kids, the latter is especially exciting. Did one so far, just one mom and her kids came but it was so nice not to be lonely.