Working through recon. Life is full of mountains

[joejoe1]

Update,

I haven't made an update in quite some time. My W and I are doing good. We are working together to create a better M. We discuss everything instead of let it simmer and stew. I still have my triggers (which probably will never go away but subside). She loves our boys and works hard to make them feel love. She has worked to make me feel the same. We live in reality now, and that's makes for a much better relationship.

Here's some advice:

I see a lot of LBS trying to work in a logical world with their WS. Wondering why they pick the OM/OW, well most likely they picked up, because that person is/was willing to live in the illogical world with them. So LBS go into that illogical world and try to win/get there WS/WAS spouse back, by trying to convince them, what they were/are doing is wrong. Well they know that. They are living off their feelings. They making decisions off what makes them feel good and not on what's good for them. Well, as a LBS you have to pull away from their feelings, take a step back, because the WAS/WW will try to convince you that their FEELINGS are what's important and the justification for what they are doing.

You have to be a stable person to deal with this and you can't let their feelings drive you. That's what keep most LBS stuck, making choices based off of another person's feeling. Feelings go way, love remains.

For most WAS/WS their loss must be greater than their fantasy. The word GREAT lost is different for each WAS/WS, for some it can be the loss of their spouse, for some, the loss of family, some their parents, some their pets, some their reputation. But here's the thing for LBS, you can't know what that loss will be, because the WAS/WS don't know, until that loss happens. As the LBS, you can't control that loss and neither can the WS. If anyone has been around a person that just lost a loved one, and that person just cries, you want them to stop, they probably want to stop but they can't, they can't control it, the one thing you can't do when consoling that person is to tell them to stop or when to grieve. Some people grieving period don't start until after the funeral. It's unknowable.

This concept is the same with a WS. The one thing about loss, it forces most people to reflect on themselves. And in that time, the feelings they have are quickly replaced with reality. And that creates grief. They have to be honest with themselves in loss. And when you get out of the way of that, they can reflect, as long as the LBS is in the way and constantly trying to fix and entice their WS back, they don't have time to reflect on the damage and pain they have caused.

That reflection, creates remorse, which is what is needed for a healthy rebuild of a relationship.

So to simplify:
WS-starts to operate off feelings
WS-makes decision off of feelings and causes damage
LBS-creates distance and allows space
WS-starts to feel some form of loss, maybe the distance of the LBS creates that
WS-Starts to reflect-reflection started because some form of GREAT loss
WS-becomes remorseful-which allows the WS to re-open their heart

Notice there is only one step for the LBS. Every other step is on the WS.

So, I have learn to give space, time and distance and have learned when to close the gap. Oh, I'm still learning.

I hope what I wrote isn't to convoluted. LOL

Onward and Forward