Maybe she's not so sure she's making the right choice...the more you work on yourself and give space the better the odds are that YOU will have a choice in the future. I mean, we always have a choice, but you know what I mean.
Remember, feelings change. She CAN believe you're an awesome person based on what she's feeling in that moment and at other times she'll BELIEVE that you aren't. That's her world so don't read too much into it. She's acting and talking based on her emotions...
Although I hate to admit it, it frustrates me that moving forward with mediation will cement in her mind that I wanted this D. But we have to move forward.
During my pre-BD days, I snooped twice on my W's phone. Once, she had a text message to a close friend describing a conversation with her father:
"He told me maybe I need a second husband. I told him I'm not even sure I want one husband."
Speculation about her thoughts is wasted energy. I've learned that here. But this text has always stuck with me. This was during a period of 3 months of almost no meaningful conversation between us, where I would reach out and she would lash out. I couldn't get her to speak with me. So I pulled over the car in March to try to talk and here we are.
I struggle to let go of the frustration I have. That she just didn't TRY. We went to MC1 and I worked hard to address her concerns. But I know now that those were not the real problems. Why she chose not to be open and honest I will never understand.
In the meantime I think she had already checked out of the MR. But rather than just tell me openly, she selected an abuse narrative. And now, she thinks she is being compassionate by telling me I'm an "awesome person."
Her "truth" appears to be that she wants to be a single mom. She hasn't faced the reality of that life, but she prefers it over one being married to me.
I have a lot of anger and resentment... I am able to keep it within and not act passive-aggressively, but it's there, and I need to acknowledge that. I hope I can work through it eventually.
