Here's an idea-- can you read back through your threads/journals, review calendars, etc. and really map out your actions and how she has responded? I think for those of us who are reading here, it feels really clear that as you withdraw she leans in, but I know when you're really in the thick of things it can be hard to step back and see the patterns. If I remember correctly in the DB book, she talks about treating it almost like a scientific experiment-- really observe what happens when you do (whatever)-- if positive, keep it up! If not, STOP! Maybe writing it all down will help you to see the progress and how your DBing is WORKING-- and that might give you the necessary willpower to step it up a little more. At least from my perspective just reading here, it feels like every time you've escalated your DB-ing and withdrew a little more, she has responded by becoming more and more interested-- meaning it is working and you should keep it up.
Another analogy I've seen used is the ping-pong game with you on one paddle and the AP on the other, and it will never end until one of you drops the paddle. It feels a little like you've dropped it (or at least put it down), but she's coaxing you back into picking it up. You need to know that the other paddle is GONE before you pick back up or you will be drawn back into the game.
And knowing I'm also struggling with this same balance... wondering if the same advice my coach gave me would work for you-- treating her like a friend/houseguest? That would eliminate the kissing and unless you're making soup for a whole bunch of friends and dropping it off for all of them, no need to do something special for her.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
