W and I spoke on the phone last night. It was predictably awkward. I could tell she was trying very hard to be amicable.
First, we talked about S7 and his behavioral issues. We are both going to work to find some possible therapists who can help him. The discussion steered clear of blame, which was good. I discussed with my IC earlier yesterday my fears about my W trying to steer S7 in a certain direction, as possibly some plan to get something on record before we start mediation. It is a fear of mine, and he said even if she doesn't do it explicitly, she could be sending implicit messages to him. Regardless, I feel like my concern for S7's health outweighs any of my fears about what W may or may not do. He needs some help.
We also talked about some parenting strategies with S7 that we might implement together. I said I was okay with one of the ideas, and the other I felt was not going to be effective with him. I was trying to figure out if W was trying to extend an olive branch by focusing on the kids (and not who to blame), or if this was another way for her to exercise control.
Second, we agreed to use phone calls for anything that was not clear in text. Text can be used for When/Where ("I will pick up the kids at 6:30pm at your house.") The confusing situation with her friend a few days ago precipitated this. I said "Absolutely -- text does not work well for us in those situations. I'd like to have clearer communication."
Then things got weird.
My W seemed to want to get 2 messages across:
1. She is not going to retain a L now. She would tell me before retaining a L. She *really* wanted me to know that. She seemed to be fishing for whether or not I retained one.
2. She said "You're an awesome person" at one point and some other kind things. I said, more or less, "Thank you, I appreciate that." I didn't know what to say, I just wanted to make sure I did not respond with any emotion. She started talking about how hard this adjustment would be for her (and both of us). I didn't resort to my old people-pleasing ways and reciprocate. I tried to validate and said "Yeah, it will be a tough adjustment, I'm sure that it is scary to think about."
She also wanted (again) for me to help her understand how to analyze whether or not she would be able to stay in the house (either assume the mortgage or refi). She seems to think it's weird that I would not advise her. She's worried about getting a lease with no proven income if she has to move out. She is focused on strange details (like whether or not the kids will be able to continue after-school activities). I said maybe she can talk to the bank about the mortgage/refinancing. She emphasized she thought it was weird I wasn't providing more advice, but said "Thank you for what you have said." It seemed like she was exercising restraint, I could tell it took some effort. I was very flat and unemotional in general, other than inserting validation at times.
The talk went too long, and it screwed with my head. I don't believe what she says. When she says, "you are an awesome person" I don't believe it. It doesn't square. She has also chosen divorce, chosen to accuse me of abuse, chosen to tear our family apart. I carry anger and resentment over her choices. She can say these nice things and hold it together on the phone if she wants, but I am not going along with her "emotion of the day." Maybe she wants to absolve herself of guilt. Maybe she is treading lightly worried that I will react angrily in mediation. I really don't know. I can't figure out this alien person.
