Holy Cow!!!!! What happened??????

[Jim1234]

Jim, just read your last update. First a 2x4: You still came across as too needy......."I NEED more!, Please give it to me so we can reconcile!" See how needy that comes across?

I also wish you hadn't reached out to her. At all. I feel like all of that was a test. Remember, people want what they don't have. When did she want you? When you were with your GF. As soon as you jettisoned the GF and you were "available" she went ice-cold. Let that be a serious lesson for you. I feel all of this was one giant, "I should see if I could get him back!" temp-check. Trust me, I've been through it with my ex-GF. It feels like crap because it is a crappy thing for someone to do to another person. It toys with their emotions and their life. Do you really want to be with someone capable of that?

As far as the ex-GF, maybe it isn't meant to be. Maybe it is. Maybe asking her out and just laying everything out on the table would let you know if there is a possibility of getting back together.

I will warn you, if you get back into a R with someone new (or the ex-GF) your STBXW may very well come calling again. And even harder this time. Treat it extremely skeptically. Someone like her is capable of the emotion and life toying because, quite frankly, she's already done it!! True colors my friend.
(BRO HUGS)

Steve, I'll talk about the "neediness" below....

But I think you're right about temp checking, her come calling even harder next time, and true colors. More on that below.

Hi Jim. FWIW I very much agree with Steve. Sounds like you were in NC for awhile but then broke down and reached out to her numerous times. I would not have sent the initial text. When she responded to your initial text by suggesting a talk when she returned from vacation but then she did not contact you after being back for a week, I would not have texted her, and certainly not texted "I have been waiting and waiting and waiting..." The text after your final face-to-face was also unnecessary.

Your actions = pursuit and neediness. I would stop all the texts and R talks and leave her be. I would also not contact your ex-GF right now. Give yourself some time to settle down and clear your head. Hang in there.

LOL, well, I doubled down on the text with an email...

The difference between me and almost everyone else on here is I am not trying to save my marriage any more. The initial text was really a break up text. I would have reconsidered if she said she would actually start putting some effort into it. AnotherStander nailed it when he said the reconciliation never really took off because she put almost no effort into it over three months. It would have been nice, but we want different things. I understand it's never going to work, and if I want to be in a fulfilling relationship, I need to look elsewhere.

It's pretty liberating because the things I said in the follow up email to the text I wouldn't have said if we were still working on a reconciliation, and I feel great having said them. Nothing rancorous, but I've wanted to say them for a long time.

Steve and Gekko, as far as the neediness goes, I hear you. To her, I'm sure I came across as pathetic and needy. As far as I'm concerned, I simply stated that her idea of sufficient time together (almost none) wasn't acceptable to me and goodbye and good luck.

What she said: “What I had hoped for was that we could have some kind of relationship that would include spending quality time together but having independence from each other too.”

What I said: Believe me, I had hoped for the same thing. But what “quality” time did we spend together in the three months since you asked for a reconciliation? An hour and half at <restaurant>? The rest of it was lunch with the kids, or bumping into each other at a party. And then you wonder why I want more.......

(as an aside, the "hour and a half" I mentioned in the previous paragraph was after we saw each other ONCE in the first month and a half of "reconciling", and that first time was so she could bitch at me to pay her taxes, and other financial issues. See previous updates if interested, but it's not important.)

She said: "I've had so many long conversations with women who feel like they're in the same boat as I was with you. I've also had long talks with women who have what they consider a happy relationship with their spouse or partner where sex is off the table all, or almost all, of the time. They respect each others time alone. Many see very little of their spouse and find it works better."

I said: "Oh, and these women you’ve talked to? I’m glad they’re happy. How many are going to be devastated when their husbands leave them for someone who satisfies their emotional needs? (“OMG he was having an affair for YEARS! Can you believe it?!?!?” She screeches. “Duh,” I reply.) In the meantime they are missing out on the love, emotional intimacy, closeness, joy, pleasure, etc. (I really wish I had a better emotional vocabulary right now) of the kind of relationship we used to have. Of the kind I would have liked to have with you again. They’re in no marriage I want any part of. "

Lastly, she gave a bunch of excuses for why she was too exhausted to spend time with me, and I called bull$hit on it and went into detail, i.e. "how hard is it to drive the one minute to my house and eat the dinner I've prepared, so you don't have to, and then flop on my couch to watch a movie together rather than watch it alone over there? Compared to travelling to <exotic and VERY difficult to reach vacation>? But you had no trouble doing that." And yes, that really pissed her off, and I don't care.

Anyway, this was much longer than I thought it would be. I don't know what I'm going to do.... take time to myself, call the ex GF, date someone else, whatever. But Steve, like you said, the world is my oyster, and I'm going to be great.

I'll figure it out!