BD was the beginning of September. I was blindsided. I knew something was bothering H, but I thought it was his combat related PTSD. We have three kids, ages 6, 4, and 3 and have been married over eight years. H was been the stay-home parent, and I am the working mom. I asked him if there was an OW, and he said no.
H's reasons for the D were that I let myself go after having kids (had not lost the pregnancy weight), I was controlling, I was making his PTSD symptoms worse, and that he didn't love me. He also said some really weird stuff, like I would be "safe" after changing my name back to my maiden name. (The conversation was very bizarre.)
H went full steam ahead on the D and printed everything that day. He was thinking we could DIY or see a mediator. We separated shortly after. I moved out, and he stayed with the kids--this was temporary.
After I moved, H called a veteran's crisis hotline to try and get help. It took forever, but he finally got a therapy appointment. That therapist told him he needed more specialized care and referred him out. The therapist won't see him again. He recently followed up with the VA and was told he needed to start the whole process over. (See my other post from today.)
I bought a second house, because it was cheaper than renting. During the mortgage process, the lender suggested we file legal separation instead of divorce so the loan wouldn't be derailed. H agreed to legal separation, and the plan was to convert it to a D after the six month wait period.
As for H, he's been really frugal with his utilities now that he's on his own and has made some concerning changes to the house. He disconnected his phone and has a voip only, and messed with the pluming so only the shower has hot water, among other things. He says he's trying to save money, but he's also been buying vanity items like crazy. His monthly income is only $1100, but he also has access to a large investment. (An asset we already split.)
After we first separated, H was being very cold towards me, and acted like he couldn't stand me. This changed after a few weeks, and he's been pretty nice ever since. He's invited me over for family activities, had the kids throw me a birthday party, helped me move stuff...it's really weird. He's also maintained close contact with my dad.
About two weeks ago, I suddenly accused him of cheating (no idea what came over me) and he confessed that he slept with someone several years ago. He said she was a lot heavier than me and that he feels immense guilt and shame about it. I told him I forgave him, but he seems to think it's unforgivable. He ended up crying, gave me a hug, and said he really cared about me and didn't want to hurt me anymore. Later that day, he was back to texting me that he didn't love me and that he was much happier without me and that the real reason he wants a divorce is that I'm a bad mother! (I don't believe much of what he tells me.)
The next morning, we were talking about the R again, and H said the problem with our marriage was mostly him. I told him that many couples are able to recover from infidelity. Then he said he was considering staying legally separated and not getting the D. I've been DBing, but I don't know if it's working or if he has some other reason for not getting divorced and just brought it up at a poor time. I haven't asked. The only requirement H had was that he wanted to get his wedding ring tattoo removed--he's already had several treatments. When I asked him why, all he says is that I'm not wearing my ring.
I am working hard to GAL and practicing DBing principals, and am going keep fighting as long as I think is healthy. I'm not going to hang on forever, but I really don't want to rush into a D either. There's more details in the thread, for anyone who wants more info.
