Well...yesterday was interesting. H went off to his appointment while I took the kids. At some point, he texted me about using family leave so I could help him watch the kids during future appointments. This was an interesting request, as I won’t be eligible to use this type of leave if we get divorced. I told him I’d get him the paperwork for family leave, and he was all for that.
The plan was always for me to take the kids trick-or-treating, so we went and did that, then we hung out at my house for a bit. I took the kids home around 7:45pm (my house is still mostly unfinished so we couldn’t stay there) and H was not there. We never discussed me keeping the kids overnight, so I wasn’t sure what was going on or what to do. I sent H a text, but got no response—his phone needs WiFi to work, so it wasn’t unexpected. I texted his friend too, in case they were together, and got no response.
My initial thought was that he was at the VFW. They closed at 8pm, so we waited in the car until 8:15pm. There was still no sign of H, so I decided to just go in his house, put the kids to bed, and wait there until H showed up. Once I got everybody in the house, H finally sends a text telling me he’s in a bad place and that I need to take the kids for the night. So I loaded everyone up and took them to where I’m staying. I could tell H was drunk.
The weird thing is that after I left with the kids, H sent another text stating that he wanted to talk and that he wanted to know how I was feeling. I didn’t know how to respond to that, especially because I knew he was drunk. I ended up just telling him “ok” and that we’d arrived at our destination. I also empathized with him about his day and told him I was proud of him for getting treatment. He sent a thank you text after that, and I didn’t talk to him again until the morning.
So this morning, he ended up calling me four times (I was in the shower) because he woke up in a panic and couldn’t remember where he was or where the kids were. I told him I had them and we were getting ready for school. I also told him to take care of himself, but that agitated him, and he abruptly ended the call. He called back a few minutes later though. He was wanting me to bring the kids back. So I took the oldest to school and dropped off the others with H. He seemed fine when I was there...if he was hungover, it didn’t show. I asked him again about family leave, on the off chance that it was a drunken request, but he still wants to do that.
We didn’t talk beyond that, and I didn’t bring up his message from the night before about talking to me about my feelings. I’m not sure what the deal was there. I speculate that it’s either homework from his therapist, or just drunken babble. At this point, I’m trying not to read anything into it, but I see it as a positive overall.
I got a message from H late Saturday night. I guess his VA therapist got back to him, and instead of scheduling his next therapy session, they told H that he needed care beyond the scope of their expertise. So now H is getting referred to yet another doctor, and he's stuck waiting to be seen again.
I saw H again last night. He seemed a little off, but I'm not sure what was up with that. He started talking to me about his issues with the VA. He was confused as to why the therapist the VA sent him to wouldn't see him anymore. (This was after one visit.) Personally, I wasn't that surprised they referred him to a specialist. I just hope they don't make him wait too long to be seen again.
In other news, when I was at his house last night, I accidentally got H to laugh without trying, and he told me goodnight for the first time since BD. Baby steps, I suppose... I'm trying my best to detach, but it's hard when I know a mental health issue is at play.
Try and keep a positive attitude, even though it may not seem possible right now. Don't read into anything he says or does. I know this is near impossible, but try. Good luck!
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Thank you Kristin! I am trying. H is just all over the place with what he's got going on.
I told my therapist that H was "dumped" by his therapist after one visit, and she said that wasn't good. She said that unusually means the therapist feels like the patient is a treatment liability. (Like the therapist thinks the patient is at risk for causing harm.) This freaks me out. H is still waiting to hear back on a referral and said he would call the VA again if he doesn't hear anything soon.
I'm always analyzing H's behavior because I know he has this mental health issue, and he watches the kids all the time. I asked him after BD if I could trust him with the kids, and he actually walked out of the house without giving an answer. He hasn't really given me a good reason to think the kids aren't safe with him, but I'm trying to be vigilant.
Right now, H seems pretty happy and upbeat most of the time, but he's also keeping himself very busy. He's been rearranging the entire house and packing up my stuff as he comes across it. I've picked up on some clues that maybe he's not actually coping so well, but I just file them away in my memory bank and act positive around him.
We're getting along really well, and I've lost quite a bit of weight, but honestly, I don't even think that matters--I think the actual issue is his untreated PTSD. My mom recently confessed to me that H told her more than two years ago that he was contemplating divorce--she said he was already in tears about stuff that happened in Iraq when he was talking about it, and she never told me because she didn't want to upset me.
I'm not really sure what came over me, but last Friday, I went to the house and told H that I thought he was cheating on me the whole time we were married. I had little to base this accusation on, so I was very surprised to hear him say, "Not the entire time."
The only details I got were that it was a hookup (sounds like he found her on Craigslist??) she was a lot bigger than me, and he hates himself for doing it. I don't know the exact timeline, but it happened sometime either during or after his old NCO came to visit in 2016. After the guy visited, the entire dynamic of our marriage changed. H has basically been depressed since then, and I always thought it was brought on by his PTSD, but knowing that he also cheated around that time adds a new perspective to things.
I asked H if he wanted to get divorced prior to him cheating, and doesn't have a clear answer. I told him I forgave him for the cheating, and he seemed angry about that. He said he doesn't deserve forgiveness and doesn't think any other person would even consider forgiving him. At some point, H started crying, gave me a hug, and said he really cared about me and that he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Later, H was back to talking about how he doesn't love me and is so much happier that I'm not a part of his life anymore.
The following day I went to pick up the kids, and things were still very tense. Somehow, we got talking about the relationship, and I mentioned again that I really didn't care about the cheating. I told him I was more upset about how indirectly he communicated the issues to me--nothing was really out in the open until after he asked for a divorce. I also told him that there are many couples that recover from full blown affairs and go on to have happy marriages.
Then, he says, "I almost want to say let's get legally separated, but not divorced...we'll keep separate houses..."
He didn't really get to finish his thought, because I interrupted him to ask what would happen if I got a boyfriend. He said we could get divorced then and that he doesn't really care what we do, as long as he can get his ring tattoo off.
To top things off...I had a pretty intense plumbing issue at my new house over the weekend, and H volunteered himself to fix it so I didn't have to take a day off of work. It took him six hours and he had to call a plumber. He says it was no big deal...
So now I'm really confused. I still don't believe him when he says he doesn't love me, and the timing of him bringing up legal separation (right after I said it was possible to have a happy marriage after infidelity) was either a bad coincidence, or he's actually entertaining the idea of reconciling in the future.
At this point, I'm not really sure what I want or what's going on... I'd like to discuss legal separation with him again and try and figure out where he was going with it. This is actually the second time he made me feel like he had some doubts, but I could just be reading too much into it.
Things have remained about the same over the last week or so, but yesterday was interesting. H sent an email while I was at work and our exchange went like this:
------- H: I bought tickets to go see a (NFL) football game with S6. It's on a Sunday. You're gonna take the kids for Thanksgiving and I get them for x-mas right?
Me: Yeah. Ok.
H: I'm asking, nothing is set in stone. I tried calling before ordering tickets but I got no answer.
Me: Sorry I missed your call. I had a couple of meetings this morning. I don't have any objections to the date for the game. The plan was always for the kids to have Christmas with you, because your parents are coming. I was going to take them sometime after the holiday.
H: Ok, I just wasn't sure if you wanted me dead or something similar when you didn't answer. -------
Anyways, his last response kind of surprised me. Aside from not answering his calls (because I literally wasn't at my desk) I haven't said or done anything to indicate that I desired bad things upon him, and previous conversations with him led me to believe that he didn't particularly care what I thought of him. But maybe he does??? This is coming from a guy that says he doesn't love me, so I don't really know what to think. In any case, I did not respond to his last email.
Later, I was supposed to go to his house to spend the evening with the kids, but he called me to tell me that he had a very rough day, and preferred if I didn't come over. I guess he called the VA to see why it was taking so long for his therapy referral and, they told him he needed to start the whole process all over. He sounded very emotional on the phone--I thought he might cry. He said he just wanted me to know that the reason he didn't want me to come over had nothing to do with me and that he didn't hate me. I told him I understand and he texted a "thank you" after we hung up.
I feel so bad for H. The last time we talked about our relationship, he finally admitted he thought most of the problems are him, and that he's messed up. He really wants to get help, but every time he tries, he keeps facing roadblocks like this.
I'm working hard on myself. I got a rowing machine and am rowing like a beast. I'm slowly picking up a new wardrobe, I changed my makeup routine, and I've picked back up some old hobbies, etc. I was seeing a therapist, but she is moving, so I have to start over in that department.
I do feel a little bad about not responding to H's last email, given what happened to him with the VA, but I think I probably did the right thing??
I'm working hard on myself. I got a rowing machine and am rowing like a beast. I'm slowly picking up a new wardrobe, I changed my makeup routine, and I've picked back up some old hobbies, etc.
That is awesome! Keep it up!
There is a fine line on responding. Keep mixing it up.
Vague is also good: W:"Sorry I missed your call. I was busy. "
Short is also good sometimes. I try to use the shorted phrases that get the point across. As well as the most accurate words: W"Enjoy your time at game with S6. Correct on the holidays"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
BD was the beginning of September. I was blindsided. I knew something was bothering H, but I thought it was his combat related PTSD. We have three kids, ages 6, 4, and 3 and have been married over eight years. H was been the stay-home parent, and I am the working mom. I asked him if there was an OW, and he said no.
H's reasons for the D were that I let myself go after having kids (had not lost the pregnancy weight), I was controlling, I was making his PTSD symptoms worse, and that he didn't love me. He also said some really weird stuff, like I would be "safe" after changing my name back to my maiden name. (The conversation was very bizarre.)
H went full steam ahead on the D and printed everything that day. He was thinking we could DIY or see a mediator. We separated shortly after. I moved out, and he stayed with the kids--this was temporary.
After I moved, H called a veteran's crisis hotline to try and get help. It took forever, but he finally got a therapy appointment. That therapist told him he needed more specialized care and referred him out. The therapist won't see him again. He recently followed up with the VA and was told he needed to start the whole process over. (See my other post from today.)
I bought a second house, because it was cheaper than renting. During the mortgage process, the lender suggested we file legal separation instead of divorce so the loan wouldn't be derailed. H agreed to legal separation, and the plan was to convert it to a D after the six month wait period.
As for H, he's been really frugal with his utilities now that he's on his own and has made some concerning changes to the house. He disconnected his phone and has a voip only, and messed with the pluming so only the shower has hot water, among other things. He says he's trying to save money, but he's also been buying vanity items like crazy. His monthly income is only $1100, but he also has access to a large investment. (An asset we already split.)
After we first separated, H was being very cold towards me, and acted like he couldn't stand me. This changed after a few weeks, and he's been pretty nice ever since. He's invited me over for family activities, had the kids throw me a birthday party, helped me move stuff...it's really weird. He's also maintained close contact with my dad.
About two weeks ago, I suddenly accused him of cheating (no idea what came over me) and he confessed that he slept with someone several years ago. He said she was a lot heavier than me and that he feels immense guilt and shame about it. I told him I forgave him, but he seems to think it's unforgivable. He ended up crying, gave me a hug, and said he really cared about me and didn't want to hurt me anymore. Later that day, he was back to texting me that he didn't love me and that he was much happier without me and that the real reason he wants a divorce is that I'm a bad mother! (I don't believe much of what he tells me.)
The next morning, we were talking about the R again, and H said the problem with our marriage was mostly him. I told him that many couples are able to recover from infidelity. Then he said he was considering staying legally separated and not getting the D. I've been DBing, but I don't know if it's working or if he has some other reason for not getting divorced and just brought it up at a poor time. I haven't asked. The only requirement H had was that he wanted to get his wedding ring tattoo removed--he's already had several treatments. When I asked him why, all he says is that I'm not wearing my ring.
I am working hard to GAL and practicing DBing principals, and am going keep fighting as long as I think is healthy. I'm not going to hang on forever, but I really don't want to rush into a D either. There's more details in the thread, for anyone who wants more info.
