Things have remained about the same over the last week or so, but yesterday was interesting. H sent an email while I was at work and our exchange went like this:
------- H: I bought tickets to go see a (NFL) football game with S6. It's on a Sunday. You're gonna take the kids for Thanksgiving and I get them for x-mas right?
Me: Yeah. Ok.
H: I'm asking, nothing is set in stone. I tried calling before ordering tickets but I got no answer.
Me: Sorry I missed your call. I had a couple of meetings this morning. I don't have any objections to the date for the game. The plan was always for the kids to have Christmas with you, because your parents are coming. I was going to take them sometime after the holiday.
H: Ok, I just wasn't sure if you wanted me dead or something similar when you didn't answer. -------
Anyways, his last response kind of surprised me. Aside from not answering his calls (because I literally wasn't at my desk) I haven't said or done anything to indicate that I desired bad things upon him, and previous conversations with him led me to believe that he didn't particularly care what I thought of him. But maybe he does??? This is coming from a guy that says he doesn't love me, so I don't really know what to think. In any case, I did not respond to his last email.
Later, I was supposed to go to his house to spend the evening with the kids, but he called me to tell me that he had a very rough day, and preferred if I didn't come over. I guess he called the VA to see why it was taking so long for his therapy referral and, they told him he needed to start the whole process all over. He sounded very emotional on the phone--I thought he might cry. He said he just wanted me to know that the reason he didn't want me to come over had nothing to do with me and that he didn't hate me. I told him I understand and he texted a "thank you" after we hung up.
I feel so bad for H. The last time we talked about our relationship, he finally admitted he thought most of the problems are him, and that he's messed up. He really wants to get help, but every time he tries, he keeps facing roadblocks like this.
I'm working hard on myself. I got a rowing machine and am rowing like a beast. I'm slowly picking up a new wardrobe, I changed my makeup routine, and I've picked back up some old hobbies, etc. I was seeing a therapist, but she is moving, so I have to start over in that department.
I do feel a little bad about not responding to H's last email, given what happened to him with the VA, but I think I probably did the right thing??
