Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 5

[DaB35]

Can't help but think that if my W had just waited it out, we'd be ok. Six months after BD and I'm the best version of me there is, my therapy is wrapping up, I've got much better self-esteem and no longer feel depressed about things, yet I can't show that to her as she's in her castle.

I don't want to come across as a victim here. I wronged the woman I love. I lied to her, and kept things from her. I looked her in the eyes and promised I'd do better, but then I just didn't. That was one element of my NGS - doing the same things over and over to try and get different results (similar to the cheeseless tunnels analogy in the DR book), and then getting frustrated when nothing changed.

She felt I was 'not ready for M' or 'wasn't mature enough'.

She was ill in 2018 when I began messaging these two women online. She was distraught and completely hysterical when she found out this year. I regret it all, and have complete remorse for it. She felt humiliated, understandably.

She was constantly telling me that I had 'settled' for her. We never really communicated about this unless things were bad. I've realised her love language is actually words of affirmation + physical touch. Mine was quality time. But I would express my love to her with gifts - because her reaction was so positive, I kept doing it.

One thing that frustrated me was that when things were going a bit better in June, we were working on the garden together and I was very content and happy. She then moaned when we got in. "See, you are not saying anything again. You've fallen back into your old ways." This, despite me not having said anything for only roughly under ten minutes. Her impatience was staggering! I now realise that I should have validated; instead I just said, "I was just happy. I didn't feel the need to say anything more."

She is very nervous and anxious and must fill silence; she cannot bear people being in a room not talking to one another, she hates gaps in conversation and must talk to fill them.

I feel sad that she told everyone we know where we live what I did (with varying detail), and has then simply gone NC on me unless necessary. I just think if she simply told a close mutual friend, my sister, and perhaps my parents, we could be sorting everything out now and be on the way to piecing and R.

I fear that because she is so stubborn and impulsive, she feels she has gone so far down the D road, she won't (can't) change her mind, and also with enablers telling her she's "doing the right thing" and feeding her this constantly, she'll not want to displease them by changing her mind suddenly. I know that I cannot change her mind. She must choose R, I get that.

I suppose I'm just saying I don't want to be made out to be the poor LBH, full stop. I admit I was a WH, even though I was not involved with a PA or was physically unfaithful at all (I have a lie detector result to prove that). Then she became a WAW - within 24 hours of discovery!

What do others think? I've explained what I did in my earlier threads in detail, so it's known here. I am hoping that I'm coming across as someone who is repentant, has taken on board advice here and from IC, turned things around, and improved myself. I know W doesn't want to be near me at all right now (well actually I don't, I think she's just in the "acceptance" stage of grief and is seemingly just coasting along as nobody is telling me how she is and I'm not asking her or anyone at present).

I do know that what I've achieved in the last few months has been massively positive. I know this means I haven't dropped the rope yet. I find it hard to be a lighthouse for W when we don't live with each other and are not in regular contact anymore.

Is there anything else I should be doing as part of my DBing process? Or am I doing enough for the time being?