Hey scout just checking in on you. How’s the legal stuff progressing? How’s S coping? Make sure you enjoy every minute when he’s so young because they grow up so quickly
I trust changeovers have been ok?
Hey DS, things have been calm the last week. No interaction except pleasantries at the front door. Consent orders are still being drawn up, hopefully will be delivered soon. S is a joy at this age, he will be two in February. He’s a little sponge soaking up language and learning about the world. I’m very proud of his behaviour, he gives and receives big smiles whenever we are out and about. He just has a gentle, friendly nature. He’s a remarkable child, in my humble opinion.
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I’m going to respectfully disagree with some of the vets about driving the spouse away - in some instances. In my sitch, things had reached a stage where I was drained emotionally and spiritually. I was negative quite often and I’m sure I gave off a bad vibe sometimes. Work was never ending and there was a self critical self doubting monkey on my shoulder whispering in my ear. I now know through ic this is a subconscious coping/defence mechanism learned in childhood. The thing is when your subconscious behaviours kick in you can’t see your body language, your tone, and all those other little things your spouse or other people pick up on. I’ve realised this now. My cup was empty and I didn’t know how to refill it. These are things I’ve worked on as a 180
That’s some good self-awareness. I don’t think you are wrong, either. I remember telling H several times after S was born, and even up until he left, that not only was my cup empty, it had holes in it, so I couldn’t give him or anyone else much. In my mind, this was a temporary situation caused by the birth of the baby and I was taking steps to address it with counselling and medication. Maybe he just got sick of waiting for things to improve; it had been 15 months of despair, anger and rejection for him at that point.
I know I gave off bad vibes too. My internal voice was so negative and I couldn’t escape it. It regularly told me to drive my car off the road when the baby was screaming in the back. I cried to H many times that I wanted to disappear from my life. I considered throwing the baby across the room when he wouldn’t sleep. In short, I cycled between incredibly depressed and incredibly anxious. It would have been a nightmare to handle and probably very frightening for H. I’m sure it seemed like a jail sentence if this was how the rest of his life was going to be.
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Wow, Scout, those were some giant waving red flags of erratic behavior, financial irresponsibility, and dishonest behavior that you blew right past.
In hindsight, yes. Chalk it up to inexperience in relationships, believing the best in him, and well, loving him completely enough to overlook his flaws.
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Mind you my XW would tell me about my ‘negativity’ but sometimes this was me critically analysing the situation or being realistic.
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Interesting - my narcissistic and slightly manic ex also would accuse me of being negative when I was just analytically evaluating a situation - I guess it interfered with his fantasies.
Yes, this sounds very similar to the dynamic in my relationship too.
