Read through your sitch and just wanted to say hey... hope you're hanging in there. Feels like the advice being given to LBHs is way more hardcore than LBWs... maybe has to do with how WWs behave compared to WHs.
maybe your WW *is* a narcissist? (I responded to your post on Kristin's thread.) To me, that is a pretty important question, because if she does have narcissistic personality disorder (even if covert), she may not be someone you really want to be married to in the long run.
You might think through your R BEFORE the BD(s)-- you guys have been together for a long time, so it seems a little weird that she'd just be exhibiting narcissistic tendencies now. With my friend's XH, the patterns were there right from the beginning, she just made excuses for him (to herself as well as to her friends) until he decided to leave her for an AP. However, sounds like when WSs get into the "affair fog" they totally regress and make decisions like children rather than adults, so sort of like sociopaths anyway I also think that cognitive dissonance plays a significant role.
For me, it has been helpful to try to put myself in my H's shoes and understand what the drivers are for him-- not to excuse his behavior, I'm angry about his choices-- but I do get why it would be so so tempting when you have this 33 year old girl who needs his career advice and support through a family tragedy and thinks he's just so f**ing great-- compared to me, who would barely have sex with him, blamed him for it (he was kind of an a-hole too), blah blah blah-- plus all the regular unsexy and un-fun parts of long-term marriage.
We are still living together, he's back in the MB but doesn't know if he wants to try to R, and we have two kids-- so I do need to focus somewhat on being empathetic towards him. I could totally go the other way and focus on what an a-hole he is -- and sometimes I do-- which definitely makes the detaching part easier. I think if she lived here and they were actually together IRL my head would explode... so I have enormous respect for you and others who are dealing with these awful situations right in your face and are still able to be calm and detached (just saying "hey" at the club was pretty bad a**. Nice job.).
In your sitch, it might be easier to detach if you did focus on her narcissistic tendencies... in the end, it doesn't really matter what is going on in her head or why she's behaving in a certain way. She is making her choices and spending a lot of time trying to understand why she's acting as she is seems unproductive, given the history of As and the fact she's possibly living with the OM. If I understand this all correctly (and I'm a newbie for sure) being able to truly detach is one of the main goals, and the NC rules are basically there to help you fake it till you make it. So maybe if it helps you to focus on her disrespect/lies/etc., then go for it? There isn't any harm in you thinking of her as a narcissist, at least for now. She is definitely acting like one.
Not sure if any of this was helpful, but hang in there. Thinking of you!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I also think that cognitive dissonance plays a significant role. 