Did everyone's H really believe that W is the cause of all of the problems? When do the get a revelation that maybe, just maybe I played a part in this? Do they admit it? My h swears that I have so much changung to do because I am the reason this M is where it is!!!!!
I understand how long that month feels to you. But, in the scheme of things, it hasn’t been long at all.
If you are seriously feeling the need to call your H more, here is what I would do. Limit yourself to say, two conversations with your H a day. If you answer the phone twice when he calls, then you don’t get to call him. If you call him once and he calls you three times, only answer one of his calls. Get me?
That way, you’re not casting yourself back into old habits, you are not making yourself completely available to him and you are staying within your own boundaries.
To be honest, I don’t know how dark you look to him right now. Because you don’t answer all of his calls, you do seem to answer the majority of them. Maybe limiting number of conversations rather than who initiates them is something that will bring the message across better.
Every single one of us who has faced the prospect of going dark has feared that our WASs will think we’ve become accustomed to our arrangement and have accepted it. This isn’t terribly far from the truth, BUT, what we’re also adding is that we’re detached from it. We’re no longer willing to do their bidding. It wakes them up faster than you might think.
I know that it may seem in YOUR situation (we all think the same about OUR situations though) that going dark may hinder things for our already insecure spouses, it actually gives them a reason to wonder, a reason to ponder things and ultimately, a reason to come to a decision.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I've missed you Meridth. Where have you been? You always give good advice. I say that I am dark because I don't call him and usually I let S answer if I see his name. If he calls 3x's, I answer once. I like your idea abiout phone calls. I was thinking more like calling once every couple of weeks like a frien to say, how is it going?
180's 1.He comes on Sunday mornings and I make it a point to be gone, usually walking.
2.I usually have him get S from school Tues. and Thurs. I will change the days to maybe Monday's and Friday's.
Hi nitaf, just catching up with you. Yes, I find it interesting that our H's all have the same complaints, and all used it as an excuse to go somewhere else instead of communicating what they needed.
I think you have an excellent point about the OW's honeydripping words....and as someone else here on the bb said, we gotta use any weapon we can get our hands on.....
My H gives a different explanation everytime...LOL...which makes me think even he doesn't know what is going on. Sometimes I was a crazy insane b!tch to live with who had too many emotional problems. (An exaggeration of reality--I can admit my faults.) Sometimes he's just stupid, didn't know the value of what he had, and is too wrapped up in his "hurt-child" scenario. (Also true, but exaggerated.) Sometimes it's a mix of the two. Sometimes it was an accident. And sometimes it was all planned, to improve our M in the long run, and we were both willing participants.
Um, yeah.
So I quit bothering to point out that all of these are contradictory. I just validate, and stop letting that aspect concern me. I've decided that he wasn't thinking, just hurting and feeling too much, and didn't know what else to do.
When my H 1st left, I was so distraught I took responsibility for everything because he said it was my fault. I actually believed it until I woke up. Do you think when we accept all of that responsibility that they take longer to see their 50%. I no longer do it but I did for the 1st couple of months.
You know, I was all over the place. I started out with the idea that he was an insensitive selfish bastard. Then I had ruined our marriage. Then I sat down and did some hard-core thinking. What I finally realized is that, at least with us, assigning who was at fault was stupid. We both had done some pretty horrible things. I got to where I just wanted to fix it, and that helped me so much. I think my attitude rubbed off on H, too, because we made an agreement to leave the past behind us--this is a whole new R, all the baggage was gone.
Okay, that was long-winded. Anyway, I think "responsibility," in general, is a bad way of looking at it. I think what works better is seeing how your interactions are unproductive, because you are two different people with two different ways of communicating.
Hey Nitaf - I have to agree with Nevanna - the why does not really matter, it is a cheeseless tunnel. What do you want to happen now and in the future? This tunnel HAS cheese I do understand how difficult it is to back away from the why pit though, I have these moments myself.
Nevana, Slowly, I know that the who is not important. It just pisses me off when H says "you have A lot of changing to do!" You are thhe reason we are in this mess!" "You just don't listen." I understand that we don't interact well, but he swears it is just my behavior. I am willing to let go of the pass. I wish he would so we can move on.
Meredith, H called @ about 7:45. I saw his number. S was outside so I did not answer. He called back @ 9:15, S answered. He said daddy wants you. I said tell him I will call back but I never did. That is a 180 for me.
What do you usually do when your H says these things? Do you argue? Or try to rationalize? Have you tried just agreeing with him. The first time I did that, my H quit pretty quickly. The second time, he said, "Well...maybe it's not all your fault..." And after that he would say, "I know you did this, and it sucked, but that's okay, because I also know why you did it..." Anyway, if you quit putting up resistance, it might confuse him into taking a different stance.
Sometimes I was a crazy insane b!tch to live with who had too many emotional problems. (An exaggeration of reality--I can admit my faults.) Sometimes he's just stupid, didn't know the value of what he had, and is too wrapped up in his "hurt-child" scenario. (Also true, but exaggerated.) Sometimes it's a mix of the two. Sometimes it was an accident. And sometimes it was all planned, to improve our M in the long run, and we were both willing participants.
Anyway, I think "responsibility," in general, is a bad way of looking at it. I think what works better is seeing how your interactions are unproductive, because you are two different people with two different ways of communicating. 
I do understand how difficult it is to back away from the why pit though, I have these moments myself.