I'll start with the good news...my GAL is in full swing. I had a great weekend, by Saturday night there were 3 things I wanted to do with different friends and I could sadly chose only one. I am having fun and finding ways to have lots of social interaction. I don't dwell on the sitch because I hardly have the time and that is the goal, right? It's also why it's been a few days since I updated.
Today was the day of the medical appointment my W kept getting calls about. I hadn't had contact with her for 4 days. As soon as I got there, I got a text from her saying she knows I am on base today and wants to talk to move things forward. Why does she insist on these kinds of ambushes? She then sent a long message about how she is uncomfortable with everything being unsettled and she wants to file paperwork, and if we need to sell the house that process must begin. I told her we could meet after my appt.
So I drove to the meeting spot and she got in my car. She pulled out a notebook and a pen, ready to take notes, and said okay let's talk. Then she waited. WHAT?! I did not initiate the meeting and that's what I said. She said we need to push things forward and she cannot live in her dorm room beyond this week. (I recently discovered that she has been living on base in the dorms, which is a temporary solution and means she has informed her command of domestic problems). So I thought it made sense about the meeting, she was about to be "homeless" again. But she consistently steered the conversation back to pushing the paperwork. Back when I told her to leave the houses , I told her my offer to not fight her for the house if I remain until May (my last semester), so we can file in February as the finalization would match that timeline of my moving out. This is the plan I formed with my therapist. Everyone agrees it is quite reasonable, except W of course. So I remind her this is the current agreement, and there is no stalling or avoiding or whatever she was accusing me of. She says February is not acceptable, she wants this done so we can move on with our lives.
At first she said we can put it in the divorce agreement that I stay in the house until May, so we can still file now and even if it finalizes before then, that's fine. She tried to TELL me she was coming over Wed to fill out the paperwork and we will file this week. I said it's not happening. If she has a problem with the current timeline, she can propose an alternative which I would give legitimate consideration, but the plan to file this week was laughable. But more importantly, it makes no sense. Why is the paperwork a huge deal? She is in financial crisis, self admittedly going into bankruptcy and will have to "rebuild her life", and she is rushing to lose $500 a month, with NO change in the housing situation! It isn't even a solution to the problem we were supposed to be discussing, which is that she is out of a home again on Friday and can't afford a separate place. I told her since she had mentioned legal separation last time, why not explore that if she felt the need to rush paperwork. Or of course, she is always free to serve me papers and go to court.
Then she said a judge will make her sell the house. This is where it gets crazy. She suddenly brought forward a new proposal. We sell the house immediately and she gives me all profits, provided that it is a minimum of $25k. Enough to support me through my last semester. Her hands are washed of anything beyond the divorce finalization, which we would file ASAP. I was in shock that she would propose this. I had literally offered to not fight her for the house (which she could then keep long term) and file in Feb, but she is SO desperate to rush the legal side, she would rather go through the process to sell it and then give me all the money, all to be divorced ~90 days sooner. It's absolute madness and I can't even figure out her motivation. I have tried to make it clear to her that it is already too late if she is trying to save herself from a career standpoint.
Obviously, this was a long R talk and I'm sure that I broke many DB rules. But the one thing I did not do and have never done is break down, cry, or say anything that even hints that I do not want to Iose her or want her to change her mind, etc. Mostly, I mentioned OM too often, because she STILL wanted to sit there denying to me that she is having an A. She looked me in the eye and told me she didn't take a trip last weekend. I said she is a liar and I will therefore not be taking her word on anything throughout this process, so stop with the "I promise I won't screw you over" stuff. Her words are completely and utterly meaningless. There was some more of her asking about my supposed girlfriend and telling me to please just tell her if I have brought her to the house and she has met "her" dogs. ??? I told her that her behavior is disgusting. She said I have a God complex, that I think I'm better than everyone and always right. She also let me know she has been tracking all my spending, wanted to know who I went to drinks with etc.
Somehow we got into a staring contest and just stared in each other's eyes for a couple full minutes. She started saying her weird, self pity, I need help stuff. But of course she hasn't gotten any and said she doesn't plan to, she is "handling it her own way" and "everyone will see". I said that sounds like a threat and frankly kind of scary. She assured me she has no intentions to harm me or anyone else. She wanted to give me a hug and I know you will all 2x4 me for not rejecting it, but I didn't because I clearly have more work to do. It was a long hug and during it she said "I'm a broken, sh!tty person". I just said I know. Then she said to consider her proposal and let her know. She would like to be able to come to the house and see the dogs and doesn't care if I am there (a change from our original agreement). I told her it still needs to be communicated. She cannot show up unannounced like she did last week (if you were waiting for the update on the previous post, she indeed did not show up the next day but I came home to suddenly find her car in the driveway the day after).
It is hard not to feel there is absolutely no hope for any change. She is obviously as wayward as ever, and seems to ONLY care about getting divorced as fast as possible. I am not holding onto hope necessarily, but I always think of myself in the lighthouse approach and I'm reaching the point where I wonder why I'm even bothering to maintain that. But I know it's only been a couple months, and this is a marathon.
