I'm getting the feeling that whatever is wrong with your husband now, he was never the husband you deserved even early in the relationship. The best thing about a good relationship is being truly seen by your partner and valued for who you really are. A relationship without that becomes very painful and drains the life out of you.
I am starting to believe this.
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You are questioning whether your behavior was the cause - it wasn't. A man who truly loves his wife would be loving and attentive through a postpartum depression or whatever, and would at least try counseling if he was unhappy in the marriage. You can't fix his mental illness or personality disorder or just lack of values, whatever it is.
We attended MC about six months before he left - at my insistence. I was feeling desperate, ignored, and unsupported enough that I told him if things didn't change, I would leave. We went three or four times and the psychologist told us that most couples attend counselling when it's too late, but that we just seemed to need some small corrections. Funny in hindsight. That psychologist is now my IC and he is of the opinion that H is on the NPD spectrum. He gave some insights about our MC sessions that he didn't share at the time - he felt H was blase, didn't take it seriously, and was more concerned about how he appeared than actually achieving any outcomes.
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I'm curious - did he ever show signs of dishonesty in small things before?
100% yes. Both avoidance and active deception, mainly towards his parents, but also me. It took three years for him to tell his parents he had a girlfriend and that we were planning to move in together. He failed out of uni due to non-attendance (video game addiction) and told his parents for a year afterwards that he was getting good grades and on track to graduate. He took out a $10k loan on a casual wage to buy a sports car at age 20 and didn't tell his parents or let them see the car for a long time. He took out a $6k loan to buy a motorbike when we moved in together without telling me - just turned up with it one day when we were trying to save for a house deposit. Even for happy events - when we got engaged, when we got pregnant - he clammed up in front of his parents and hid the news until they asked him directly, or I told them! I understand hiding bad news, but why good news?
His behaviour stinks of rebellion and entitlement, doesn't it? It wasn't this clear to me at the time. What the heck is he fighting so hard against? From what I understand of his upbringing, he wasn't denied much and was always a high achiever. As a teen he would brag about having all the newest and best things because his dad was well-off. In the last year of our marriage he became obsessed with wealth and growing it fast enough to retire early. His retirement dream? Buying a $150k supercar at age 40 and driving around Europe. Not sure how his wife and would-be teenage son figured into that plan... And yet, he took out a $50k loan this time last year to buy a brand new truck, ostensibly for me, that I didn't want and wasn't comfortable spending money on, against my wishes. Which he took in the settlement and now belongs to him, debt and all.
It doesn't make a lot of sense, until I reread this quote from peacetoday:
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I dont think his script from childhood could allow him to succeed, so instead he followed the call to fail and let everything he had go
Is he programmed to self-sabotage? There are so many questions I won't ever know the answers to.
