Confused and Lost II

[may22]

@May -

Do we know if they are confused? I really want to believe you because that will make me less angry. But the lies just seem manipulative, either compulsive or calculated - not sure if those are mutually exclusive.

Hi LovingIt,
Good question... and I think there ARE cases where the WS is really a narcissist/sociopath at heart and IS a evil, lying manipulator. My good friend's XH is that way... but the truth is we all kind of knew it from the beginning and none of us were surprised when he left her and showed his true colors.

But for the regular, run-of-the-mill WSs-- I have read and listened quite a bit, and even on these boards when you read from the perspective of the WS, I think that many of them really are confused and grappling with how to deal with their feelings without hurting their LBS more than necessary-- I think a lot of the lying stems from that place. We all married these folks and in general WERE madly in love with each other, and we chose them for a reason... I just find it hard to believe that they have all been abducted by aliens and have turned into evil liars. I think it is probably more likely that they're hurting and confused, making TERRIBLE choices, but at the heart of it they're screwed up and trying to figure their way out of this whole mess. Shirley Glass's book Not Just Friends and MWD's Healing From Infidelity both put you in the shoes of the WS to some degree, and I'm now reading Esther Perel's State of Affairs which does the same.

For me, it is easier to be angry and more complicated to deal with still caring about my H and understanding that he's going through something really difficult, perhaps in many ways just as difficult as what I'm going through, and knowing that I bear some (not all) of the burden for getting us to where we are right now. I definitely know he's hurting and confused from our conversations, and that the lying stemmed from not wanting to hurt me, and also not wanting to let go of the possibility of the AP and what she represented (new chance for real happiness, etc etc.) The sense of guilt and being a bad person also adds to this, and then they start needing to believe that they never really loved you or whatever to assuage that guilt...justifying the lies, but also not really dealing with the core of their own issues.

My sense is that Kristin's WS is truly torn and incredibly confused-- otherwise, it would be easy just to walk away and finish what she started with the S and the OW. Just my two cents though, and not sure this rambling made a whole lot of sense-- if so, my apologies!