We had a long lunch. Very friendly, open, honest. A discussion of my need to feel important to her, her lack of actions over words. It was a long discussion, wide ranging. Her feelings, my feelings. In the end, she was clear that she wants a different kind of relationship than I do She said she just can't provide what I want, and as I walked her to her car, summed things up by saying "So, I guess that's it, then?" and she said "I guess we just want different things. You don't seem terribly upset". I assured her I wasn't upset at all, and we got in our cars and drove away.
I thought about it in the car, and sent her this text when I got home. "... the "relationship" you want is no real relationship at all. I am sorry for hurting you over the years so badly you won't try for a real relationship with me. I suspect you will never open up for a real relationship with someone in the future, and that makes me very sad." I've received no response. Upon further reflection, I don't know if she's capable of making someone else a priority, and in my mind, that's probably THE most important thing in a marriage, or any kind of relationship.
Hey Jim, first I'll say that your recon never has really gotten off the ground, it really didn't seem like your W was ever "all in" on it. I don't blame you at all for the talk, and for stating how you felt about it. But I think you took it too far with that text- "I suspect you will never open up for a real relationship with someone in the future, and that makes me very sad". You don't know what she's thinking or feeling, and to say something like that just comes off sounding vindictive and a little petty. If you're going to end things then try and leave it on a positive note. Wish her the best, and hope that she goes on to a great life without you! Everyone deserves to be happy, even our exes.
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The only two things I wish had gone differently in our talk was I wish I had focused more on the importance of making your partner a priority in a relationship, and calling her out on her excuses about not being capable of putting more effort into the relationship, but it doesn't matter.
Well you're right, it doesn't matter. She's not listening to you for whatever reason. Focus on actions, not words.
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So, what now? I don't know. I have a significant long term home repair project going on and almost finished (yea! only another month or so! yea!). I've been talking to my ex GF (that I broke up with to explore this reconciliation) about this repair project (she works in insurance and has been a HUGE help in trying to get some help there), and some help she needs that directly relates to my area of expertise. I miss her, and my first reaction was, man, I gotta call her and see if we can get back together. My second reaction was, "is that fair to her"? I can't have my first choice, so should I just ask my second choice if she's still available? That seems kind of $hitty. My third is, do I really want to get back together? Obviously, I wasn't so enthralled that I wasn't willing to throw her over in favor of my STBX. But then again, the idea of dating isn't appealing, and I enjoy her company.
Now what you do is give yourself some time. Time without W, time without GF. Just Jim time. Pour yourself into finishing that project and whatever other GAL stuff you have going. Pick up some new GAL activities! Enjoy yourself, don't sweat an R for now. With time your path ahead will become clearer.
