I have four kids as well; three sons ages 22, 21, & 18, and a daughter age 17.
Thank you filling in some of the blanks. A 20 year relationship and then a BD is quite a shock to recover from; it takes some time. I’m glad you see the value in detachment and not to worry we all plead and beg at first. And we all get the same noneffective results.
The removing or wearing of the wedding ring is a personal choice. Either way may or may not affect your MLCer wife. That advice is truth of everything. One doesn’t completely know what affect out actions will have on the MLCer or anyone for that matter. That is why everything you do, do it for you. That way no matter what happens, how this all turns out, you will be alright.
You do not want to manipulate her path. I know it is tempting to try to speed things along, at best your efforts would be neutral, the most common and most likely result would be to prolong her journey. She has lots to figure out, and needs space and time. And she will take it.
That is the perspective of advice and suggestions. They are for you and your healing; and give the best chance for your marriage/relationship.
Today’s post on my thread started as a response to you. It got rather deep, rather fast.
Your W has unilaterally decided that you two are in house separated and free to do as each of you wish. And that no longer qualifies as cheating. Really?!? You can see how manipulative she is being - right?
The vast majority of MLCers have affairs (sorry). It means nothing to them. The MLCer is running from their pain and sex is fun and therefore viewed as happiness. Of course they are wrong, happiness comes from within one’s self not externally. However, that realization is quite some time from her finding it.
Affair partners are a symptom of MLC. Do not give them any power or hold over you.
With what your W has said, it is pretty likely she is in an affair - emotional or physical. She has given permission for you cheat on your marriage and vows. You were not in an open marriage before, do not start one now.
When she made this decision what did you say? How are you approaching this?
I’m guessing you were meek and timid about rocking the boat. It’s ok.
Advice for you. Do not be a doormat. She can have an affair, she do whatever she wants. However, she cannot treat you like a doormat and walk all over you - unless you allow it.
Find a time to reopen this discussion and let her know your views. By the way, posting here first answers to her questions or what you are planning to say to her allows your to get feedback and tune your response. People here have really good ideas, seek them out.
So reopen this topic and let her know that you do not agree with her. You see either of you having a relationship outside of the marriage as cheating. And if she is cheating you do not want her in the master bedroom.
We do require more information from you as to what and where you actually are to give a more thoughtful and reasoned response. Things like how to get her to leave the master bedroom for example.
That might sound wrong. That’s ok. This is counterintuitive, it feels wrong, it goes against everything you’ve previous done to resolve past conflicts and had success with. Remember she is in crisis, she is not the same person you know. An MLCer is ruled by their emotions in everything they do. Attempting to reason or rationalize with them is pointless.
She is looking to leave. She needs to taste that. To see what that means. Become a roommate - kind not mean, but a roommate relationship.
With that in mind I would take off your wedding ring. She doesn’t want to be faithful. She mentioned that maybe in five years she would feel different, maybe regret things. You can see her emotions at work, and she is buying time, leading you along, trying to keep you as Plan B. Do not be her Plan B. You are Plan A.
This is difficult, she needs to come to conclusions and decision on her own. Space and time to see and figure stuff out. You control you and your actions. Boundaries where warranted. If she is with someone else she’s not going to be with you. That is your mindset.
Focus on you and your kids.
As for casual sex. No!
This is cheating. You didn’t partake before, do not start now. Keep your side of the street clean, and be true to yourself and your values.
You want to be a lighthouse. Then be a lighthouse.
Again, it’s ok. Use the board to vent, to ask questions, gain insights, explore different ideas before you implement them. That is wise use of your time. Be patient.
Something you need to do. Get tested for STD. Yeah, I know. Not a nice feeling. Just about everyone here goes through this. Make sure you are healthy, and realize the possible risks now.
Your description of her past year’s behaviours rings true for MLC. She is running from her age, attempting to relive her youth. Read other’s stories; it is amazing how eerily similar MLCers are.
Remo, you are just at the start of your path. Do take care of yourself, the gym and dance classes are a great ideas. As well as ensuring she does not find and read any of this advice. She will see it in the worse possible light. To an MLCer there is nothing wrong with them - it’s everyone else’s fault or problem.
Focus on you and your kids, and keep working towards detachment.
Stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
