Nitaf, I also was very lame at giving my H compliments and praise, it was never done in my family. But now I see how well my H has responded to my recent attempts, I couldn't believe it. You might also say something about being impressed by all of his accomplishments, with this being just the most recent. I don't see how he could be offended or upset by a sincere compliment.
I think the card sounds like a good idea, and your wording sounds just right. One of my H's big complaints was not enough encouragement/admiration, and he seems to enjoy cards. I'd be careful not to get too mushy with it though!
Hi Nitaf - I've been on the road these past few days, sorry have not looked in sooner. Just a few thoughts from my own, current experience.
Crying bouts are ok, be prepared that these will happen, anything can trigger them, and they can last a while. Have a pick-me-up strategy, and just go with the flow. This is NORMAL
I totally agree with Meredith, you will need to call up your courage, and enforce boundaries that you have set, because these are important to you. Being less available is ok. It does work.
NG responds better to me when I am upbeat, positive, and convey a sense that whatever he did, we WILL recover. It is like he needed my confidence to help him find strength in himself.
Seconding Meredith again, where are the goals, Nitaf? Maybe reviewing positives at the end of the day? Little things, frequently, are best to keep the ole PMA up.
You are strong, loving person, you will be ok - Slowly
Rotts,Halo,N4aride,Dbcb,Slowly,Thank you so much for responding. Do you guys find it ironic that this was one of the complaints from all of our H's?
This is what the adultress does. She gives praise. From her lips drip honey and they feel so wanted ,needed and macho. Then she reels him in and that is over. If it helps the adultress reel him in, can it help us?
Slowly, I actually took time to set goals in my journal last nite. I don't have it with me so I am going to wing it!
Goals
1. I will smile and laugh more.(H said I always greeted him as a grouch.)
2. I will ride my bike with S atleast 2x's a week.
3. I will sign up for a summer class to keep me occupied.
4. I will let H know when he has done a good job and I am proud.
5.My goal for the day is to have him give me a nice Thank You for his card
You know I never had anyone tell me that they were proud of my accomplishments. If you never receive it than you don't give it out. I did not notice until H pointed it out after he left????????? What good was it then?
The funny thing is because of my traumatic childhood I always shower my S with wonderful praise when I am proud. Why would I do it with S and not H??????????
Positives 1. H mowed the lawn 2.H spoke to my neighbor and asked him if he could let his company know not to park in my driveway when I am not home because I shouldn't have to keep asking him to move his car. 3.H is calling for silly reasons. We talked and laughed a bit. 4.H asked me if I were goind to his neices fashion show? I was surprised because he will be there too. 5.H wants to make sure that he supports my brother becaase he is having his 1st baby. 6.H calls my siblings on a regular basis.
My LL is AOS so I would help do H's spreadsheets, type his papers, and go with him to look at houses(it was a realestate license that he got last year)as support and he actually needed WORDS OF AFFIRMATION! Proof that if you don't know a persons LL they don't feel appreciated and loved
My goal for the day is to have him give me a nice Thank You for his card
There was a time when H use to kiss me when he let and tell me that he loves me. I stopped and then he stopped. He would initiate sometime and I would initiate other times, but neither of us do it now. We haven't even said I love you in about 3wks. I am not sure if stopping helped or hurt me. When we were doing those things we weren't ML. When those things stopped we started ML. Strange I know.
Quote: This is what the adultress does. She gives praise. From her lips drip honey and they feel so wanted ,needed and macho. Then she reels him in and that is over. If it helps the adultress reel him in, can it help us?
You really made a great point. Lets sugar coat the honey words that we speak to our Spouses or (XS's).
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Hi Nitaf - I like your goals A terrific mix of things for you, for S and for H. And the positives are great. Will you be able to list positives several times a week? This was one of my absolute PMA boosters
Just wondering, did you get a chance to convey your thanks? Slowly
nitaf: wow, you have been through so much, you definately are strong! but I have those days lately too, I just wake up and just want to cry, sometimes I can hold it in, other times I can't. Well, you sound like you guys co-parent very well, and setting boundaries was a good idea. My daughter does the same thing as your son--I will drop her off and then she will ask me to stay and help with her homework then stay and watch a movie, etc. and well, I want to be a good parent so I stay, and I really probably should ask ex if it's alright to stay. I hope you have a better weekend!
Slowly, Suzy, My weekend was ok. I did not ride bike with S because he needed an intertube(sp).
Positives 1.I went walking Saturday and Sunday. 2.I stuck to my house cleaning schedule. I have no dirty laundry! 3.I cooked my dinner for today yesterday. 4.H came to our house Friday and hung around a bit. I told him that he really looked handsome and gave him the card.( I wanted to hug him) He said, Thank You about 5x's and said then he kept saying this card is so nice! 5. He called Saturday 3x's b4 noon starting at about 8:30am. I let S answer 1st 2x's because we have caller ID. The 3rd time I answered. He said, You know those books that you love to read? I said, Whic ones because I devour about 3 books a week. He said< I 4got the authors name but anyhow it is my union buddy's wife. I said, What is his last name? He said , she doesn't use her married name. I said, oh. He said, she email her nad tell her who you are? (who am I ? Your wife?) and she is going to give you discounts on her books. I said, cool. He said, they live right around the corner from us? I told them WE live on Y------ Avenue.
I have been dark for a month . I haven't called him to chit chat. He will call me to say something that can usually wait. I don't always answer because sometimes the calls come at 10-11 pm. Should I start calling him here and there. I know that H is insecure so I don't want him to think I don't want him or the M. That I am used to this arrangement. Him feeling not wanted has always been an issue because sometimes I was An ice princess! Ouch, atleast now I can Admit It.
Any Suggestions???????????? It has been 5 1/2 mos. He has never verbally mentioned coming home but always has confusing actions. He wants to have input @ home but says he won't come back. I haven't asked in about 1.5 mos. Is it normal for them to never actually say it? I think H is afraid to eat humble pie because he talked so much about what he wouldn't do to everbody and he is very prideful. He may think it will make him weak if he doesn't stick to his word. He left overnite 1X and said, What kind of man do you think I am that I would leave 1X and come back and do it again? That is PRIDE talking. I left for 2 wks as well, when I couldn't handle A emotions. What does that have to do with anything?
A terrific mix of things for you, for S and for H. And the positives are great. Will you be able to list positives several times a week? This was one of my absolute PMA boosters 