Holy Cow!!!!! What happened??????

[Jim1234]

update... a lot of this will probably retell some older posts of mine.

In my last update, I said we sat down and I explained I just didn't feel important to her, and in previous posts, we all discussed the importance of action over words

STBXW has been gone much of the time since then. She spent a little over a week in England getting her mother's flat cleaned out and ready to be rented, and then two weeks on vacation with her sister. In between then and now, the only times I saw her were when we bumped into each other at a school function for D18, at a Halloween party we both attended, and lastly at dinner for D18s birthday. Not a phone call the entire 5 weeks, hardly any texts that weren't logistical in nature regarding the kids, and certainly no mention of getting together when she was home.

When we saw each other at the beginning of October, one of the things discussed was my chasing her for attention during our marriage, and chasing her right out the door. I told her I've learned my lesson, and I'm not chasing her anymore. And I haven't. I asked her to get together two or three times in the first few weeks of our "reconciliation", but when she said she couldn't, I haven't asked since.

Actions over words, not feeling important to her, not a priority for her. All things that were issues in our marriage.

Anyway, two weeks ago, when she was on vacation, I sent her an email that said, "I think it’s important when you get back that we sit down and talk about your expectations for us, because frankly, I’m a little disappointed in how things are going." She said, "we'll talk when I get home." She had been home a week, and I hadn't heard anything from her that wasn't about the kids.

So two days ago, I sent her this: "I was hoping my email to you in Tenerife would prompt some change, but it hasn’t. I wanted to talk to you about this in person, and I’ve been waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, so here it is in an email. I’d be happy to talk to you about it at length, but this “reconciliation” just isn’t working for me. I feel like 1) I’m just not that important to you, and 2) We just don’t want the same kind of marriage. I feel I am facing a lifetime of disappointment if we stay together because I feel my needs will never be met. I bear you no ill will, and want nothing but good things for you. I’d still like for you to join us for Thanksgiving if you wish." She replied immediately and suggested we get together for lunch to discuss it.

We had a long lunch. Very friendly, open, honest. A discussion of my need to feel important to her, her lack of actions over words. It was a long discussion, wide ranging. Her feelings, my feelings. In the end, she was clear that she wants a different kind of relationship than I do She said she just can't provide what I want, and as I walked her to her car, summed things up by saying "So, I guess that's it, then?" and she said "I guess we just want different things.
You don't seem terribly upset". I assured her I wasn't upset at all, and we got in our cars and drove away.

I thought about it in the car, and sent her this text when I got home. "... the "relationship" you want is no real relationship at all. I am sorry for hurting you over the years so badly you won't try for a real relationship with me. I suspect you will never open up for a real relationship with someone in the future, and that makes me very sad." I've received no response. Upon further reflection, I don't know if she's capable of making someone else a priority, and in my mind, that's probably THE most important thing in a marriage, or any kind of relationship.

The only two things I wish had gone differently in our talk was I wish I had focused more on the importance of making your partner a priority in a relationship, and calling her out on her excuses about not being capable of putting more effort into the relationship, but it doesn't matter.

So, what now? I don't know. I have a significant long term home repair project going on and almost finished (yea! only another month or so! yea!). I've been talking to my ex GF (that I broke up with to explore this reconciliation) about this repair project (she works in insurance and has been a HUGE help in trying to get some help there), and some help she needs that directly relates to my area of expertise. I miss her, and my first reaction was, man, I gotta call her and see if we can get back together. My second reaction was, "is that fair to her"? I can't have my first choice, so should I just ask my second choice if she's still available? That seems kind of $hitty. My third is, do I really want to get back together? Obviously, I wasn't so enthralled that I wasn't willing to throw her over in favor of my STBX. But then again, the idea of dating isn't appealing, and I enjoy her company.

So...... I've got a lot of good things happening, and lots of options.

I'll figure it out.