This is DnJ. Have you been following my advice from the two other letters? I hope so, and I hope it has helped.
I understand you are pretty upset with your Dad and his girlfriend. A pretty reasonable response if you ask me.
Like previous conversation between us, I would like to pass on some wisdom from a Dad who has seen his children experience what you are now facing.
Having your parents separate is a hard thing to work through, regardless of age. It is perfectly normal to feel upset, sad, and angry. It’s ok, and needed, to cry. How you are feeling is completely normal. Talking to your Mom will help. Talking with your sister can help. Sharing your feelings will allow you to accept them.
What I mean by accepting is along the lines of how you feel better after crying. You see, feelings are not forever. They “feel” like they will last forever and then will disappear for a while. Think of a time when you were angry at a friend; in a couple of days that anger was gone. It takes time to accept your feelings.
Let’s start with Dad’s girlfriend. First off realize that this woman is just Dad’s girlfriend, she is not your Mom. You have a Mom and Dad; and that will not change.
I know you feel angry about Dad and her relationship. I empathize with your feelings regarding Dad and her kids.
I watched my children progress after their Mom moved out with her boyfriend. At first my kids hated their Mom’s boyfriend. Their Mom was of course blind to this, because she was infatuated with her boyfriend, which means she is kind of in love with him. Much like your Dad, their Mom could not see what she was doing was not right, or perhaps she refused to see that.
Your Dad is suffering an emotional crisis and is making decisions based more on his emotions. My children’s Mom did, and is still doing that same thing. When a person is infatuated, that becomes their focus, that other person. A person in an emotional crisis has that affect amplified. I know you witnessed some strange behaviour with your Dad and have seen what I am referring too.
Slowly over time, my kids accepted their feelings and their anger and hatred lessened. Now, they can and do visit (once in a while) with Mom and her boyfriend. They don’t necessarily like him but they don’t hate him or live with anger in their hearts. They are not friends but they’re not enemies either. This man is an important person in their Mom’s life at the moment, and there is nothing they can do about that, except to accept it or not.
This is hard to accept at first. It takes time to work your way through things and accept your feelings. You do not need to rush it. And in truth you cannot rush it.
Accepting your feelings towards Dad is also going to take time. I know you love your Dad. You also are angry at him, mad, upset, etc... Not to worry, you can be angry and upset with someone and still love them. Remember feelings are not forever. The anger will lessen and the love will remain.
Something else, every now and then you will feel happy with and for Dad. You will also feel happy with and for Mom. This is ok. Mom and Dad have separated, and their individual lives are going to get better. You are part of their lives.
It is ok to feel this happiness. Sometimes one tends to feel like they are betraying their family when they are happy with the “new” arrangements. I’m a Dad who has helped his kids accept some very strange behaviour with their Mom, supported them through my divorce, and I am letting you know its fine to accept your parent’s as they are in their lives. It is ok to find enjoyment and be happy in your life.
Do you remember the very first bit of advice I offered you? Well actually it was three things, and they were very important.
First, everything going on between your Mom and Dad is exactly that – between your Mom and Dad – it is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong. This is very important; you are not to blame for any of this.
Second, your Mom loves you very very much. Probably more than you realize. You and your sister mean the world to her.
Third, your Dad loves you also. He may not show it like he did before, but he does love you. Sometimes it just gets lost inside him and it takes a while for him to find it again.
Sometimes we all need a reminder that this is not about us. Your Dad’s life is very much about him.
That also speaks to the compassion and understanding I encouraged you to seek and follow. Your Dad is having a difficult time. Being kind and compassionate really allows you to grow beyond this, to feel so much better, and I believe you are doing very well along that journey.
I think you are 15 now, wow so close to driving. Gosh, won’t that be exciting?
Have you been attending school regularly? At 15 years old I know you know the importance of that.
I also realize that our emotions can get in the way of us doing things. Ensure you are feeling and talking about your emotions. This will allow you to accept your feelings. And remember anger can be let go really well through physical activity, like running, doing push ups, yard work or shovelling snow. You don’t want anger or other emotions building up and spilling out all over.
Do take care of yourself both physically and emotionally.
All my best.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
