Your mother asked me to write to you. I understand things in your home have been difficult for a while and are becoming more difficult in the recent months. Your Mom and Dad are divorcing and your Dad has moved out and you are upset.
I empathize with how you feel. I have four children, three boys ages 22, 21, and 18, and a girl age 17. Their Mom is behaving similar to what your Dad is like. They do not really want to spend too much time visiting with their Mom. She sometimes says hurtful things to them and other times she does not speak to them at all for months. Their Mom moved out of our home 26 months ago, her and I divorced a short time after that.
It was sad, painful, and difficult at the beginning. As time went on things became easier and more pleasant. My oldest son works in a tire shop, the other two boys attend university and my daughter is in grade 12 with an average of 95%. My family and I are 2 years passed their Mom moving out; I assure you it does get better.
As a Dad who has watched his children get through what you are experiencing I would like to share some advice. This is really important so please listen very carefully.
First, everything going on between your Mom and Dad is exactly that – between your Mom and Dad – it is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong. This is very important; you are not to blame for any of this.
Second, your Mom loves you very very much. Probably more than you realize. You and your brother mean the world to her.
Third, your Dad loves you also. He may not show it like he did before, but he does love you. Sometimes it just gets lost inside him and it takes a while for him to find it again.
Now <Gerda’s Daughter>, I have heard that you are a smart and loving young girl. I imagine you are a lot like my daughter when she was 10. I suspect you enjoy reading, playing games, running around outside, and talking and cuddling with your Mom.
I also figure you are rather inquisitive and seek to understand things. Therefore I am going to explain a bit of what you are experiencing and what you can do to work through it.
Having your parents separate is a hard thing to work through, regardless of age. It is perfectly normal to feel upset, sad, and angry. It’s ok, and needed, to cry. How you are feeling is completely normal. Talking to your Mom will help. Talking with your brother can help. Sharing your feelings will allow you to accept them.
What I mean by accepting is along the lines of how you feel better after crying. You see, feelings are not forever. They “feel” like they will last forever and then will disappear for a while. Think of a time when you were angry at a friend; in a couple of days that anger was gone. It takes time to accept your feelings.
Let’s start with Dad’s girlfriend. I know you feel you don’t ever want to see her or know her. You are upset with her, and want nothing to do with her. My children felt the same with their Mom’s boyfriend.
It is really good that you realize your feelings. Also realize that this woman is just your Dad’s girlfriend. She is not your Mom. You have a Mom and a Dad; and that will not change.
At first my kids hated their Mom’s boyfriend. Their Mom was of course blind to this, because she was infatuated with her boyfriend, which means she is kind of in love with him. Slowly my kids accepted their feelings and their anger and hatred lessened. Now, they can and do visit (once in a while) with Mom and him. They don’t necessarily like him but they don’t hate him or live with anger in their hearts. They are not friends but they’re not enemies either.
It takes time to work your way through things and accept your feelings. You do not need to rush it. And in truth you cannot rush it.
Accepting your feelings towards Dad is also going to take time. I know you love your Dad. You also are angry at him, mad, upset, etc... Not to worry, you can be angry and upset with someone and still love them. Remember feelings are not forever. The anger will lessen and the love will remain.
Something else you may have felt a little of already or it will still be coming. Every now and then you will feel happy with and for Dad. You will also feel happy with and for Mom. This is ok. Mom and Dad have separated, and their individual lives are going to get better. You are part of their lives.
It is ok to feel this happiness. Sometimes one tends to feel like they are betraying their family when they are happy with the “new” arrangements. I’m a Dad who has helped his kids accept some very strange behaviour with their Mom, supported them through my divorce, and I am letting you know its fine to accept your parent’s as they are in their lives. It is ok to find enjoyment and be happy in your life.
So a few tips just for you:
Study and do your homework from school. It will pay off huge in ways you cannot imagine. If you are having difficulties with something ask your Mom. I know, I know, ask my Mom?!? Well she is pretty smart and can help. Trust me on this one.
Get a good night sleep every night. This really helps and is so easy, just go to bed at 10:00pm and get up at 7:00am. Being well rested makes everything better.
Be polite and say please and thank you. It is amazing how much happier the world will be by doing this.
Feel your feelings. Accept what you are feeling. It is ok to be sad, happy, angry, or even nothing. Sharing your feelings helps get them out. A word about being mad or angry, find a safe way to express it, to let it out. Going for a run, doing push ups, something physical helps.
Be compassionate towards your Dad. He is having a very hard time dealing with things right now. When you are compassionate and maybe even a bit forgiving you will feel so much better.
Hug your Mom and tell her you love her. She knows you do, but it means so much when you show her.
Last, and most important, have fun! You are allowed to enjoy games, walks, time with Mom, movies, ice cream cones, and so much more. You don’t need to feel guilty for having fun. As a matter of fact, I think you should have some ice cream as soon as you finish this letter. Find your Mom, give her a big hug, and politely ask if she would like to join you and brother for an ice cream cone.
<Gerda’s Daughter>, I know I have said a lot to you. Please feel free to reread this as often as you like. Remember those three important points. Focus on the tips and work on following them. I have a feeling you are more than capable of doing so. I may have stirred up some further questions and I know your Mom is very willing to discuss anything with you.
Sure would be nice to enjoy an ice cream with you.
All my best.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
