Slow and Steady

[Jac12]

Update:

Today is our 5th Anniversary and I returned home yesterday from Florida. My W texted me yesterday asking if she could see our S today and hang out for the day. I said she could pick him up from daycare early and spend the day as I wasn't sure if she meant hang out with me too or just our S.

This morning she asked again what my plans were and if I'd be around today. I simply said "Yes, I'll be around for the day".

She picked him up near 4pm and asked me if I wanted to join them at a PlayFit. I decided to go. We talked a bit there and she started tearing up about something so I said: " I see you're sad, why don't we talk about this later if you still want to".

We all came back to the house and had dinner prepped so she stayed and ate with us. She initiated some talks about her finding a job. She asked my opinion on a bunch of things. I gave my opinion when asked and tried not to otherwise.

She also said she didn't want to come back to me just because it makes sense financially. She wants to give herself some time to think about things and work on herself so she can be sure she's coming back for the right reasons (if she does of course). I just validated and listened. She also said we were invited to a cottage her brother rented this wknd and she was going to ask me but she knew I had plans to take S to a Santa parade tomorrow.

She also said she's more aware of her mental health and making sure she's in a good state. She does plan on following through to see a psychiatrist but she is really concerned about going on medication. She feels her old job also contributed to poor mental health. Wants to talk to someone about everything that has gone on and where she's at now to help her through this period.

I did say a couple things - notably that I've learned a lot during this time too and as difficult as this has been I feel like I'm in a better spot to be a better partner. I didn't tell her I loved her but I did say I thing we can work through things and I'd support her with her mental health 100% if she needed me.

When she left she said: "The date today (our anniversary) is not lost on me". She then started crying and came back for a second hug. "I said it's not lost on me either but at least we had dinner" and that broke the tension a bit.

Anyways - I'm not sure what to make of everything although she at least recognizes that she's getting back to her old self again (she said that too) but is still cautious.

I don't know where this is going to go but I think I'll be ok either way. Of course I'm hoping we can work things out but I'm not going to let my hopes rest on her.

It's been nearly 12 months since BD and it's been a long road just as all the vets said. It looks like if R is to happen it's going to be an even longer road too.

For now:

1) Patience
2) Enjoy my time with Son
3) Continue to make my own personal improvements
4) Give space and GAL.