Another case of WW

[LovingIt]

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Ask yourself what you wish to accomplish by confronting her. Is it b/c you want her to know that you are aware of her living with OM? If yes, then what's your next move?

If she says, "Yes, I am living with OM, so what?" Here's where I think some LBH's have the misconception that his WW will feel so ashamed that it will bring about some type of emotional response (lots of crying, apologies, begging for forgiveness, pleading to take her back, making promises, etc.). The LBH believes the act of confronting his WW will bust up her affair with OM. Sometimes, the LBH will get a response somewhat like he wanted, and sometimes the confrontation merely pushes the sitch to the next step/level........which in this case, would be divorce. So, it's not a matter of us telling you what is the point of confronting your W..........b/c you are the one who has to figure out why you confront and what you wish to accomplish. The answer may seem obvious to you, but let's think about it for a minute or so.
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Yes, that's what LH would ask me too... what am I trying to accomplish with my actions.

I guess nothing except to get it off my chest and prove that I'm not an idiot? Maybe it's the old me wanting to confront a situation and blow it up. Yes, it would escalate to the next level which would be D.

I'm learning more about emotional control and thinking a few steps ahead, which is why I have not confronted yet.

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I'm holding ground on needing to see growth and change, self-reflection, no contact with AP/OM, therapy, etc... I'm just not seeing any progress from her, and the sitch seems to be getting worse since her initial anxiety from moving out / separation.

Okay, it's fine to hold to certain things you'll need to see in her. Let's talk about how these things you've listed usually come. First, let me say that she doesn't want to hear anything about your needs or requirements, b/c she is wrapped up with some other guy. Therefore, don't waste your breath by telling her the things she will have to do in order to reconcile. Especially during confrontation, don't use that time to talk about anything other than the purpose of your confrontation. Don't tell her these things you want to see in her, until she seeks you out and sincerely asks what would it take to reconcile.

Growth and change. What ways do you want her to change? I think anyone is capable of growth and positive change, if they want it bad enough, but it doesn't come cheap for wayward wives. Those who are rebellious, filled with stubborn pride, clings to old resentments, unforgiveness, lack of respect, and numerous negative attitudes and/or mental issues...............,.growth & positive change isn't as easy as some people might think. In the first place, it's going to take humility, if the positive change is for real. She won't even feel remorse, if there is no humility. The WW experiences a particular loss of something precious to her, or accumulation of loss due to her waywardness. For some WW changes begin fairly quickly, but for others who have such hardened hearts, it can take much longer.

Self-reflection is a good one. Why do you need to see this in your W?
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I need her to have done deep self-reflection because I feel like she needs to know why the EA's happened. Sure, I was not perfect and didn't meet all of her needs but that doesn't cause or justify the EA's. I feel like without her having a good understanding of herself then there's a high risk of it relapsing again in the future with someone else.

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I would like to know what picture comes to your mind whenever you read those two words, "tough love". When you ask me how you should treat her, I wonder if you see tough love as being mean, cold, angry, sullen, etc. It's none of those negative actions.

Can you see yourself implementing the 37 rules without feeling you have compromised your dignity, integrity, moral/spiritual beliefs? I've read thousands of posts that say these rules are so hard. The rules aren't hard, but due to the emotional feelings of the LBS, it becomes tough to stick by them. It's tough to follow directions or instructions when our feelings are trying to dictate our actions. It's tough to do something that seems so counter-intuitive. Do you feel these rules are unrealistic or don't apply to your situation? What about the page I sent you on DB detaching? (I think it was you) Have you been able to follow those guidelines? Some LBS's don't even try, b/c it is a measure of tough love. But I encourage you to start with the 37 rules, and the other guidelines (detaching, boundaries, etc.) Cadet posted. I don't recall any of them suggesting that the LBS mistreat the other spouse. It may not be to their particular liking.......but that's why we call it tough love.
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Borrowed above quote from another thread, since I had some questions / thoughts on it...

Hmmm... based on the vet feedback on my sitch about not going to dinner with her whenever we meet to discuss business stuff, etc... I've been interpreting tough love as mean / cold, or at least that's how I come off. I'll have to adjust my actions accordingly. Been trying to find the right balance of in-person interaction. Definitely been doing the 37 rules, in fact, they helped me restore / preserve my dignity and self-respect that was initial lost after BD.

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Lack of respect kills attraction/desire in the wife, and that's why I bring it up so much. Did she show you respect in front of the children, her family, and friends.........or did she lose her temper and talk down to you? Did she embarrass you, make you the butt of jokes, make you feel put down, or treat you some other way that showed she didn't respect you as a man? Is she the type who won't bury the hatchet, forgive, and chose to remain bitter? If you say there was no evidence of disrespect for you.........and there is no sign of rebellion, then we can move on to something else. If you aren't sure if you've been disrespected in front of your kids, or others...........let me know. Seriously, some guys just don't know, b/c it's all they've ever seen in marriages.
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Borrowed above quote from another thread, since I had some questions / thoughts on it...

WW actually speaks very highly of me around co-workers, friends, and family. We do make fun of / self deprecate each other quite a bit around friends, and I thought we were both confident and comfortable enough to take it. I think some of our friends thought that our jokes crossed the line a bit - as not a lot of women would be sensitive to stuff we joke about each other.

Her complaints were that I didn't admire / desire her romantically / physically. Even though we spent a lot of time together enjoying shared hobbies on weekdays and weekends, but she didn't get verbal or physical affirmation from me. I have to agree and admit... it's hard to desire someone after 16 years. She looks good and is in good shape, but hard to lust after someone when you fart around each other all day :P To be honest, I didn't get with her primarily for her looks - I don't think she's ugly, but I married someone because I thought she was smart and worked hard, and we had a lot of common interests.